New Post and FOLLOW US!!

There's a new one right below this one... but I forgot to pass along...

I am headed to NCYC (National Catholic Youth Conference) next week with 5 of my most incredible teens!! We had a parishioner FULLY FUND all 6 of us to go!!! That's over $5000!! Pray for him!! He's pretty incredible! The only 2 stipulations he put on us were: go to daily Mass and pray for him and our parish and to blog daily about our adventure! So follow us! The teens and I will blog every night from Wednesday November 18th - Sunday November 22nd, and one more about 1-2 weeks after they are home. Most of their introductions are up right now!! Check em out, pray for them and encourage them along the way with you comments!!

www.stjohnyouthministry.blogspot.com

All things connected...

So I am so far off the beaten path - in more ways than one! Thanks to my friend Sue who encouraged me to blog again (aparently she loves the way I write... hmmm.. I've never considered myself a good writer... so thanks!)

My whole little world has been turned upside down and spun round and round since my last post. Here's the skinny. I have given my notice at work, accepted an amazing new Youth ministry position, severely herniated 3 discs in my lower lumbar/sacrum, started falling back into my old habits both with food and emotions, drowned myself with work, oh man the list could go on and on. As much as I am quick to see all the negative and "bad things" with my crazy last few months... I have been even quicker to see how God is working in and around all these situations - and how blessed I have been to have had this Gastric Bypass - because without it - I never would have begun to "unpack" this VERY LARGE suitcase I carry around with me.

Since my dear friend Jim left my home parish of St. Elizabeth's in Acton almost 1.5 years ago now, it has always been in the back of my mind. I didn't throw my name into the bunch when he first left because lets be honest here - who really wants to follow in Jim Flanagan's footsteps? But after they hired a new YM and things seemed to be struggling there - I was really regretting not applying and seeing what God would have wanted from me. But I've learned God always wins. So when I heard talk that the YM's time was nearing an end I sat down with the Pastor to just chat about YM and to let him know basically - I'm open and willing to chat about potetial job openings at St. E's if and when that ever happens. Turns out the YM had just given his notice that week! WOW - God is so cool! So, I handed in my resume and really left everything up to God. I wasn't super super happy at my current parish, but I also by no means was completely miserable - get me out of here! I honestly believe that I could make it work and be happy where ever God calls me. So I prayed and gave it to Him. 2.5 weeks later - I had gone of 3 interviews and was offered the job. Now I did kinda freak out. Man church world when it comes to jobs typically is much slower than real life! I didn't feel like I was ready or had prayed enough about it - and lets be real - I couldn't fathom leaving my kids at my current parish. I was a senior when my YM (our Parochial Vicar) left - and it SUCKED. Like ruined my senior year - I never never never wanted to make any of my teens feel even half of what I felt - and I knew with me leaving that was the inevitable. So I prayed and prayed for God to give me a sign to tell me NOT to take this job. And what did He do? Gave me all these signs TO take the job. And in the amazing words of Margo "Get up, have courage, Jesus is calling you!" And with those words, I made up my mind and put full trust in God that He'd carry me and He knew what He was doing. 10 days ago I told my teens. It was a wild ride of a night, emotional, difficult, humbling and most importantly - Christ Centered and prayerful. The kids are struggling with it, but we are leaning on eachother and becoming a stronger front because of it. Not to mention they have 5 more months with me! So I leave St. John's fulltime on December 31st and begin in Acton fulltime January 1, 2010. I will remain on part time (10 hours) at St. John's through April 30th. Call me crazy, yes... but I truly feel in my gut that this is what God is wanting from me. I do believe He very much is testing me cause these past 10 days have been really really hard. But I know He'll carry me through. Needless to say - I've been a little stressed...

So if you remember back a few posts, I hurt my back in South Carolina this summer. I don't recall actually doing anything outside of riding on a bus for 22+ hours that could have injured it. But after 11 weeks of 3x's a week of Chiropratic, 1-2 medical myofascial massages a week and specialized back strengthening exercises - and I continued to get worse not better - it was time for an MRI to see what my spine looked like. My MRI was last friday afternoon, and monday morning at 8:15 AM my cell rang and it was the Doctor - uh oh... not a good sign. Long story short - turns out I have 3 Severley Herniated discs in my lower back - my L4, L5 and S1. (so cool that I actually know where they are and what they mean - Massage school has taught me a lot!!) I also have no "soft chewy centers" to those discs either - and a small stress fracture in L4 and L5. I am messed up! So I go for massages on Monday mornings. And on the monday before I had to tell my kids that I was leaving - I was on the table and Tom (my massage therapist) was working on me and was talking to me and said "Your muscles feel like they are doing all they can to hold on and not fall apart." At that momement I emotionally fell apart on the table. (which you will see is a recurring theme these past couple weeks!) Man I knew our bodies are incredible species and the science is amazing - but really my muscles were communicating to Tom what my entire emotional being was feeling. I was so stressed out about leaving and telling the kids and the annoucement to the parish, I literally felt like every second of each day I was doing all that I can to hold it together and be strong. When I saw Tom for another Massage on Thursday (the day after I told the kids) he commented on how everything felt different. I also felt emotionally different - like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Don't get me wrong - I haven't had a day yet that I haven't cried about leaving. But I am confident in my decision. And now it's onto fixing the physical injuries to my back... off to the neurosurgeon I go in 2 weeks. I however REFUSE to have back surgery at 28 years old!

With all this stress and craziness, I have fallen off the wagon. I have learned that I can tolerate moderate amounts of sugar (bad thing to have found out - cause peanut butter m&m's are my vice), and I have been going CARB crazy!! I am barely getting in 50 grams of protein a day (some days it's like barely 30!) not drinking enough water, been really lazy about the whole no drinking with food or within 30 mins of eating. Drinking more wine that I probably should be (empty calories). Needless to say - I've gained a few pounds. And because of the back - I haven't been able to run due to the pain... so i'm not burning calories like I was used to. I also have gone back to my stuffing of my emotions and blocking out those who I care the most about. The difference now, I am very aware of my habits and what I am doing... am I aware enough that I change them in the moment? No, but I never used to be aware of them. So my new goal is to be aware, be present in the moment and to change the behavior so I can create new habits - healthy habits.

So Monday (cause my day tomorrow is so crazy) begins a new for me. I am almost 13 months post-op... and i'm not about to let myself and this new tool I was given and this blessing in my life fail. I am all about completing things I've started now. I've learned through therapy and unpacking my baggage - that I am afraid of completion, afraid of ends, afraid of goodbyes, afraid of myself. I've never finished a lot of things I've started. Like I never finished college (I actually left my 1st semster on college 2 weeks before finals). I don't like goodbyes - I walked out of my dying grandmother's hospital room without saying goodbye - I love you- or hugging her for the last time - I just couldn't do it. I'm afraid of making my own decisions - i never decide even the littlest of things - cause my decisions affect others. So I've begun a new era of Kate. I'm embrassing these goodbye's at St. John's, I'm finishing Massage School no matter how stressed out or difficult my final semester will be with working 2 jobs and fulltime school, I am going to end St. John's on a positive note and not run away, I'm going to trust my instincts, go with my gut and make decisions that are good for me and are grounded in prayer - no matter how they may affect others (since I am quick to shy away from unpopular decisions.) This is going to be a year of Kate - finding the real Kate that's been burried under pounds and pounds of baggage for the last 28.5 years. My goal - to love thyself like God loves me.

So let love be repreated...

"There's no hope without love. There's no love without His grace. So many hungry souls without smiles on their faces. Distant hearts in familiar places. Now there's One who's come to take the emptiness we share, so let us live in this Kingdom.

So let love be repeated, so unchanging, freely given, always needed - love repeated. And let Christ be received in our hearts, in our homes, in our streets, and in our lives - loved repeated.

Yo, when I think about true love it's always repeated. Even the strongest man in the whole world he needs it. From Pope Benedict to the soldiers in Iraq, from the athlete to the shack to the child on his momma's back. It's like wind to the sailboat, gas to the car, energy to the runner who dares to go far. Each one, reach one there's so much to do and if I stop I drop and God's love will continue.

Now there's one who's come to take the emptiness we share so let us live in His Kingdom.

So let love be repeated, so unchanging, freely given, always needed - love repeated. And let Christ be received in our hearts, in our homes, in our streets, in our lives - Love Repeated."

~"Love Repeated" Jon Niven and Fr. Norm Fisher - CHWC Theme Song 2009

Love repeated - Theme of CHWC 2009 and boy did that hit home for me. For this whole year so far love has been hard. No that's a lie - for a really really long time (as long as I can remember) love has been a difficult thing. Which is kinda crazy and I am confused by as I love love! I love giving love! I love TO love. I WANT to be loved. I CAN'T seem to accept and receive love comfortably. In my family - we are not the touchy feely type. We don't hug, we rarely show any forms of affection for each other. We are not a family that says "I love you" when we hang up the phone or when we leave. In my 28 years of life - I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've heard "I love you" said to me from my parents. I've never heard it from my brother. When my grandfather on my dad's side got sick I told him I loved him out loud for the first time. We occasionally say it now. I know my family loves me. My parents write it on my bday cards and Christmas cards. My dad will end a text to me now with "luv u." But I secretly long to hear I LOVE YOU, all three words strung together at once, from a parent (especially my mom) and my brother. The more I look into myself and my life - I think this is the catalyst to my bad decision makings in my early twenties when it came to boys. I so badly wanted to feel loved and have affection (did I mention we're not a huggie/touchy feely family?) that I turned a blind eye to the reality of my relationships. I was 20 dating a man who was 30. His wife just left him for her ex who just got released from jail (WHAT WAS I THINKING?!!!) I was young, I was smitten, I soooo badly wanted to be married already! So we started hanging out, which turned into much more very quickly. Boy was I dumb looking back on that - I was like a prize - I was taken advantage of. We were "together" for 3 years. He cheated on me with his best friends wife - OUCH. To this day he won't admitt that he was actually cheating on me when I broke up with him. You'll be happy to know - he's still with her today. Yay for them (can you hear the sarcasm in my tone?) Anyways, this led me into not wanting to care anymore when it came to boys. I didn't trust either. I am still struggling with trust. I put up HUGE walls with boys now too. I give very little of my heart away. It's hard for me to be vulnerable and to open up. I think this is one reason why I love YM and teens. I can be vulnerable with them - open up - share my life stories and how God works in my life - and not worry about being hurt by them in the end. But if I'm vulnerable with a guy I like - he will in the end break my heart right? (that's how I think now.) So I am trying not to fall into this trap. I fall into this trap with God a lot. I tell Him what I think He WANTS to hear. I pray like I think He WANTS me to pray. So at CHWC Boston this year - I decided I needed to change all that thinking. If I really truly wanted to learn to love me and let others love me for me... I first had to let God love me and know me. Each night at program CHWC had a section called Real Life. Questions flashed across the screen for the intro. Questions like: Who's the REAL you? What masks are you hiding behind? If you took them off would your friends like you? Would you like you? Who knows the REAL you? These questions struck a huge chord in me. I found myself Monday night with tears running down my cheeks as I sat in program and watched this intro. That night I prayed to God to help me be me - the real Kathleen Megan Deasy. Be careful what you pray for - cause BAM... He sure broke me down that week for me to see the real me... Broken. Each day I had an internal battle of all the thoughts going through my head and wanting to work on that - but also wanting to stuff everything and focus only on the work at hand. On Thursday night I had a complete major breakdown - or what I like to call - a come apart. I had been holding back tears all day. Little ones here and there would come out. But I had to be the in control person on Thursday cause my Director was struggling herself. So Thursday night comes amd it's been a long and stressful day with it's ups and downs - a legit emotional roller coaster ride. I was sitting in the office chatting with Cory and my cell rings and it's Brenna. Out of nowhere I hear her voice and i begin to sob. And sob is an understatement friends. I ended up on the floor of my room in fetal position hyperventilating with snot just running out of my nose - uncontrollably crying. I couldn't talk, I could barely breath... just sobbing. For a good 90 minutes or so. Jon P came to check on me... I remember him standing in my doorway. I was a jerk and didn't even really acknowledge him (sorry Jon). He sent me a sweet text tho - saying he was headed to bed, that he loves me, praying for me and if I needed him to come get him - if not he'd chat with me in the AM. (thanks Jon! that meant a lot!) Anyways - Brenna just sat on the other end of the phone and told me to just let it out and it was ok. I don't even know if I really even told her anything that was going on... just cried and cried. I don't think I could have done that with anyone other than Brenna. That was my bottom. I woke up on Friday AM surprisingly feeling a little lighter and less weight of the world on my shoulders. I had cried myself to sleep and while praying after I got off the phone with Bren - I remember yelling at God and being really really angry with Him. It was the beginning of being real with Him. I remember praying that I was so angry that He had me go through this major surgery and He left me. He left me to feel worse off now than before the surgery. He left me and I felt so alone. I had lost my best friend of excess weight to hide behind and now He had gone away too. But Friday AM at closing Mass - God spoke to me through the theme song (which I had heard every night that week.) The words to that song felt like Jesus singing directly to me. Telling me that He loves me - but if I'm not willing to accept that, believe that and see that - then there's no hope. That I'm surrounded by His love - but I need to be open to it to see it. He's with me - He's never left me. I've just been blind to it. He's here to take my emptiness away. I need to receive the love that is being repeated TO ME - freely given TO ME. I had to open my heart and let Him in. So I did. I prayed at Mass that my heart was His. And honestly - it hasn't been super easy since then - but much easier than I had thought. God's definitely making me do a lot of work. He's challenging me to deepen my prayer life. He's put me in many situations that I have had to completely rely on Him. But I'm trusting - and if I can fully trust Jesus then I can't go wrong right? So step one is to receive Christ's love fully. Now we're beginning the receiving other's love fully too... I think that one's gonna be much harder...

Unpacking the bottom of my closet

So I've figured that it's best to begin from the beginning (well beginning of figuring my lowest points out) to make these last 4 months or so of my crazy journey to make the most sense! So I take you back to just after my post from May. About 2-3 weeks after that post I made the deaded phone call to my PCP to be referred to a Therapist. Kira is her name. I was very skeptical in the beginning about going back to therapy. I hadn't been since high school and i really was struggling with that therapy is not spiritual and spiritual direction is not therapy and I really felt like i needed the two to become one. So I went in to my first session with some big walls up already! But Kira put me at ease right away and she was so nice that I said to myself that I really can't be a jerk to her! lol! So we chatted about why I was seeking therapy and what i felt like I needed to work on. The funny thing now is that yea I really want to work on body image and all these changes i'm going through, but through talking about my past - i can't even get to that yet because of all the unpacking of past luggage that's just been thrown to the bottom of my closet and covered up by years of stuff. It's been a little painful at times. I've admitted to occurances in my past that I've never spoken out loud. I've said the most honest things about how I really feel and how things truly effect me. I've learned that I have a lot of negative in my life and not much positive love and support from those closest to me. I've learned that I am a stuffer (I knew that already!) I'm learning that some of the things that have happened to me in my life and have caused me hurt and pain are not my fault. I've learned that my mother plays a huge role in my life and not neccesarily a positive role - that doesn't mean I don't love my mom and that my mom doesn't love me - but we have a unique relationship and one that comes with much baggage and my constant trying to please her doesn't help me. I've had many a "awakening" moments - or the "ah ha" moments where I've made the connection to why I've done something or the why to how I reacted. Sometimes they haven't been good reasons - but ones to help me understand myself a little better and to be able to better myself. I'm beginning to learn how to receive love. I'm beginning, very slowly, to learn how to love me. That's the hardest. It's hard to love yourself when you think of yourself as no good, dirty, and usable. But I'm beginning to change those thoughts as I continue to think through and process and confront the reality of being sexually abused as a child by a babysitter. I know this is new information about me to all of my friends who read this. It's one of those skeleton's in my closet that I've never felt comfortable sharing with anyone - including family. I was/am ashamed of what happened and for allowing it and for actually when I was little not seeing anything wrong with it. I thought it's what my awesome babysitter wanted to do and she was wicked fun and I loved having her babysit - I didn't even think it was strange. But that's a little kids mind for ya! Once I was older and realized how wrong it was - I was too ashamed and scared to say anything so I just packed it up nice and tightly and hid it deep down far away in my closet and made myself forget it was there. And for many years I did forget about it... if it did cross my mind - I pushed it right back down and out. It wasn't until my early 20's it came storming back - right around the sexual abuse scandal in Boston actually. The first time I went to PGC (virtus) training i remember being so uncomfortable during it and couldn't get my childhood memories out of my head. But I did what I do best and hid it again and stuffed it. It wasn't until really about a year ago that the thoughts and feelings began creeping up again. And really it's been since this past February that it's on my mind a lot. I think it's because I know deep down that I need to deal with it because it has effected my life greatly and has effected relationships and how I think of myself. So I'm working through the hurt and beginning to heal. The exciting part is that really this "non-religious" therapy is actually making my prayer life stronger and my realtionship with God even deeper. I have many awakenings in sessions that I get to bring to God and God and I together work on the healing. I know God has big hands around my heart... he's holding it and picking up the pieces - not as quickly as I'd like... and sometimes it's painful to be put back together... but I feel His hands in the process. I know He's changing my heart as well as He glues it back together. He's helping it to be more open to others and to others love. He's helping it to love others better too. And along with all that... I'm able to love Him more and more each day too as I am fully relying on Him.

Continuing on my Journey...

WOW! I didn't realize it had been almost 3 months since my last post and boy did I leave you all hanging!! Sorry about that! It has been a whirlwind of a few months. I have my ups and my downs, but I wake up each day thankful and hopeful. I have much to blog about and will over the next few days blog all the happenings since my last post. Here are some highlights:

I have officially lost over 100 pounds... (108 to be exact!) When i stand on the scale and see that I am out of the 200's I still do a double take. I still really don't believe it. And I still only see 293 pound Kate in the mirror... but I am beginning to notice differences each day and I am beginning the long journey of learning to love me.

Thanks to wonderful friends like Margo and Scott I have headed back to therapy! So far this has proven to be a wonderful experience... yet an emotional one as I have LOTS to unpack. More on this soon...

Margo and I had dinner a little after my last post and she said something very profound to me that I think about, pray about and try to wrap my head around every day. She told me that she had been praying about me (thanks! I can use all the prayers I can get!). She said that she knows how much I want to be a mom and give birth. She said that she wonders if this is God's way of answering this prayer right now in my life... giving birth to me. I'm going through all these changes and it has it's ups and downs and it's not easy and not quick... but I will soon give birth to a "new" Kate... shedding of my old. I kinda chuckled it off when she first told me and didn't really talk with her much about it. But boy did it rock my world. Every day I think about this... It's a pretty profound way of thinking and one I am working through with God!

Catholic Heart Workcamp (CHWC) Boston this year was a doozie but as I am a month out from that week and getting to look back and reflect upon it - it was a week full of blessings for many - myself included. CHWC Boston was my rock bottom. Yes it was kinda bad timing for God to throw me into a complete and utter emotional shutdown. But as I look back on that week it was good timing just because of the wonderful people who I was surrounded by. If my rock bottom had hit any other week I would have hid in my room and done it myself. Now I'm not saying I did a very good job of leaning on those around me... I still shut down and turned inward... but just having wonderful people and friends around me was comfort. Knowing that Scott was on campus all week and getting to see him and get a Scott hug every morning and his awesome positive smile and hello's each afternoon when he returned. Knowing if I needed him I could find him. Seeing his face in all the adult meetings towards the end of the week when things got super stressful - it was calming to me. Having Cory and Jon P at camp all week was also so comforting. Although I never did get a chance to sit down and catch up with them (or pray with Cory - sorry Mama Heimann... I was really hoping I would be able to but the timing was just off... I'll make a date with Cory when he's back up for retreats!) Having Brenna back in the states and just a phone call away... having her just sit on the other end of the line while I sobbed... that's a true friend sent by God. I had people around me ready and willing to pick me up and help put the pieces back together. And that's the part I am working on now... putting my pieces back together.

CHWC Charleston with my teens from St. John's was another week of blessings! My CHWC black cloud followed me this year however and we had a Swine Flu outbreak - but it was a wonderful week! It was a week of God showing himself to me in many different ways. It was a week of awakenings and beginning of some healing for me. (I have a whole post I want to post about this week!)

My little venture to NYC last week was wonderful and again full of God showing himself to me. He's really gently working with me to become comfortable with who I am, who He wants me to be, and with this new body of mine! For the first time since I can remember as a little girl, I was picked up and swung around! Andy Cloninger (CHWC musician) was the musician in New Jersey at camp. I haven't seen him in a year! He was told that I had lost a bunch of weight and that he may not recognize me (I don't think it's that drastic... but I look at me everyday!) So when I arrived at camp and say Andy he came running over to me and gave me a huge hug and picked me up and swung me around. Now I as SUPER uncomfortable with this... yet a little giddy too!! I mean... someone picked me up - easily - without breaking their back!! But i am still really self conscious... I was quick to wanting Andy to put me down! lol!!

I am currently in Springfield, MA at the RE Convocation. I have a heavy heart and lots to still work out with God. So much on my mind that I haven't been getting much sleep cause I can't make my mind stop. But having some good prayer time. This whole process has really strengthened my relationship with Christ - waaayyy more than i ever thought it would!

That's the basic overall update... more to come over the next few days... I promise I won't keep you hanging on! I've got lots on my mind to share... just need some time to put it all down!

Oh yea... and there's this boy.... ;)

How I really think and feel...

I've been fooling you all... fooling myself too. I tell everyone how great I feel and how great I'm doing - I tell myself that too. But honestly... I'm struggling - a lot. It's taken me a while to actually compose this post - days of mulling it over and contemplating if I actually post it or not. I am not looking for pity or for people to feel sorry for me... not 100% sure what i'm looking for from this... but i am hoping that this will begin some healing and new thinking and moving forward on my end. As well as let everyone know - this journey of mine - of anyone who's had Gastric Bypass - it's not an easy one by all means.

I've officially lost 90 pounds. I have 3 pounds to go until I am under the 200 pound mark and 7 to go to hit the 100 pounds gone. I can run a 12 minute mile. I've run my first 5k road race and loved it. I am wearing a size 14 (that's 4-5 dress sizes smaller than I was last year.) I have a whole lot more energy than ever before. I can cross my legs. I can see my feet when i look down. My rings are all too big for my fingers. I've lost my double chin. My belly button isn't covered by a roll of fat anymore. My thighs only touch at the top now - no longer from the knees up. I've got defined muscles in my legs and arms now. I have collar bones. People I haven't seen in a long time take second glances before they realize it's me. I can do push ups - real ones. I can climb flights of stairs without getting winded. I haven't used my inhaler in 3 months.

With all these great and awesome changes one would think I'd be ecstatic with myself right? How dare I feel bad for myself? I ask myself those same questions each day. Why do I feel like i hate myself more now than I did 90 pounds ago? Why when I look at myself in a mirror or picture do I still see the 293 pound Kate? Why do I tear a part every single aspect of myself? I wish I had an easy answer to all these questions. But i don't - cause i'm still struggling to figure them out and work through them myself. Here's what I have learned tho:

I lived by the moto of "it's what is on the inside that counts." I still believe that - but it's a little different now. But ya know what - i'm not so sure I am liking all that I am finding on the inside. I was able before to hide behind an extra 150 pounds or so of ugliness. 150 pounds that put up a physical barrier of people asking me the hard questions. People truly wanting to know about me... Me truly wanting to know about me. So much of "me" was how being the "fat girl" was difficult. How horrid my childhood years and high school years were because of cruel classmates. How all of those awful experiences led me down a long twisting road of depression, self hatred and hurt - of learning how to put a smile on and act like I am doing great. Those 150 pounds taught me how to be "fake," not be real with myself... not get to know who Kate Deasy is. And that my friends is a great question. Who is Kate Deasy? I don't know. And I hate that. I'm 28, I should know who I am. But if you asked me that today - I don't think I could go beyond surface level - beyond the facts as they are right now - a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a God Mother, and a youth minister.

When I think back to my high school years and my early twenties - when I was at my lowest (or so I thought) - I remember thinking that I could never feel lonelier than then. But I am lonely. A different lonely - and lonelier. I mean I have wonderful friends and a great family and amazing teens and families at work... but I am lonely. I feel empty. The more weight I lose - the emptier I feel. I've lost my identity. I used to hate that I was classified and known for my weight... now - I kinda miss that. Who am I? What's my identity now? Who is Kathleen Megan Deasy? That's the journey I am on now... finding a "new best friend." I lose more and more of my old best friend every day/week... as much as I hated the extra weight and wished it away, and placed lots of blame on it... I miss it. Not all the unhealthy aspects of it - just the comfort it gave me, and the wall it put up and the personal boundary it provided. The scariest thoughts of all are those that I'm scared of not feeling lonely, of not feeling empty. I don't know what that feels like. I am so numb to my own emotions. Everyday I feel as though at any moment I could completely break down... yet I can't. I wait for it and it never happens. There have been people I've avoided and hugs I've dodged cause I've thought that if that person asks me how I am I will loose it; if that person hugs me right now I won't be able to keep it all together... I quickly re-direct conversations about how I am and how I am doing away from me, cause I know someone will really look into my eyes and see I am lying... yes physically I am great - emotionally, not so much. Just sitting here typing this, I can feel the tears beginning behind my eyes - but they won't come out.

So my solution for now is to pray and to post this. Prayer is what led me to write this post in the first place - so we'll see what God has in store. Thanks for listening. Maybe pray for me too?

I did it!!!!!

Wow has it been awhile since i've posted... sorry =(

On happier notes: I FINISHED the road race!! I completed it and met my goals for the race too! (well actually surpassed them!)

Leading up to the race, I had injured my knee (i've got pretty bad IT band tendonitis - and it began to act up as soon as I moved to running outside at the beginning of April.) Then for this past week I was in Vermont on a mission trip. While I had intentions of running while I was there - it was cold and rainy and I was functioning on no more than 5 hours of sleep a night - needless to say - I didn't get one run in all week. On Sunday I wasn't feeling the greatest and really anxious about the big race. I hadn't run in 9 days, my knee was still a little tender, and it was HOT... like in the 80's. The race was to begin at 11:50 AM. Luckily for me, Rangeley was running the race with me and I knew I would disappoint him soooo much if I didn't run - he had been looking forward to racing with me for weeks now. I just couldn't disappoint him. And I had Dan Harms and Girlfriend Meghan here too to push me and cheer me on - which was wonderful as well. I began my Sunday morning by heading with Dan and Meghan to 9 AM Mass in Groton. Downing lots of water and a protein drink on the drive to Church. Receiving Jesus before the race was helpful too!! ;) We met up with Rangeley and his mom Jenn and sister Sam just after 10 AM at the Groton Junior High School. Range had picked up his number and everything already. I was a little overwhelmed to say the least. I had NO CLUE what I was doing and I really began to regret registering. Everyone around me seemed like such avid and professional runners - even the hundreds of little kids. Range took me into the registration area to find my name along the 5k wall to get my race number - 5178 to be exact! Then off to the number line to get my number to pin on me, my ankle bracelet and my bag of goodies. We then went back and hung out with Jenn, Sam, Dan and Meghan for a while. I ate a rice cake with peanut butter and had more water. It was sunny and not a cloud in the sky and warming up very quickly. I ran into a bunch of teachers from my high school which was kinda wild!! I think I surprised many of them! I mean Kate Deasy was the LAST person they'd expect to see RUNNING a 5k!! My old Athletic Trainer was there. He was by far the most surprised... his actual words were... "Kate Deasy?! Never thought I'd see the day!!" It made me laugh... a lot! Around 11:15 Range and I took a warm up jog through the parking lot and then stretched out a lot. At 11:40 they called for all 5k runners to head to the starting line. There we happened to be standing next to two other former teachers of mine! It was pretty cool to begin the race with them. At 11:50 we were off to the musket fire! Now, Rangeley is a cross country and track runner.. i.e. - much faster than me. I kept telling him he didn't have to run with me the whole way - as that wouldn't be fun and would be painfully slow for him (he runs a mile in under 6 minutes!) He stuck with me to the 1 mile mark, then took off a head of me. My first mile was my slowest... I think due to nerves. I did it in 14 minutes. Right around there I actually thought I was the last runner, but a quick look behind me told me I was definitely not the last one - there were a few hundred behind me!! I think that gave me the confidence boost I needed. My knee began to really bug me so I slowed down to a fast walk for about 1/3 mile. Of course that was when Dan, Meghan, Jenn and Sam decided to show up and be cheering along the course!! lol!! After walking the pain out and stretching a little I felt good enough to run again. I ran and actually was passing people - again something I never thought i'd experience... and the people I was passing were by looks - in shape... i mean skinny!! It was a weird feeling - me of all people, running for one, and two actually PASSING people who were also running!! The 1.5 - 2.5 mile was the toughest - hilly hilly hilly!! But luckily the road was shaded and the wind seemed to pick up! And the best part people whose houses were on that road had sprinklers set up... so many cooling sprays along the way!! I passed Dan, Meghan, Jenn and Sam again right after the 2.5 mark. As much as they were slightly embarrassing making such a scene - it was nice and gave me that extra umph to go! Range was done then too so he was there as well. I rounded the last corner bringing me back onto the track - we had to finish with a 1/2 lap to the finish line. It was very cool to cross the finish line - having completed the race and surpassed my 2 goals. They were 1. Finish the race in under 50 minutes (I did it in 41 minutes and 27 seconds!) and 2. don't be last!! I am soooo glad I didn't back out and so glad I ran it! I definitely have the runners high going on! I can't wait until May 1st when I can register for the Falmouth Road Race! Training for that begins on Wednesday!! :) Here are some pics of the day!!Before the race, showing our fierce running poses!!

Running... around the 2.5 mile mark

After the race with Dan, Meghan and Sam!

Registered

Well, I am all registered for the 2009 Groton Road Race 5K!! AAHH!!! I am so excited, yet also feeling like I am out of my league a little! I am loving running, and have always wanted to be a runner and just never could do it. Walking was getting a little boring so I decided to spice things up a bit and run!! It's become such a great release and mental exercise for me! Each time I run I get stronger and can run longer! I run about 3-4 times a week for anywhere from 30-45 minutes. I've got a great friend Nan, who's a personal training and specializes in training athletes for running and triathalons! She's helped me with giving me great tips and pointers on training and such! My sister-in-law may run the race with me which would be so great and fun! Rangeley (one of my peer leaders) is going to run it with me as well!! So come on out and run with us, or enjoy the day and cheer us on!! It's gonna be a huge NSV for me!! www.grotonroadrace.com

Summer 2008 pictures

Here are 2 pictures that I showed in my talk last weekend... look at the change!!

Wow - I didn't realize how long it's been since I've posted - sorry about that!! Things are going tremendously well!! I've had a few more bouts with stuck food - which really stinks while it's happening and for about 24 hours afterwards, but the way I look at it is, if this is the worst of it - I am golden!! I keep trying to remind myself that I need to really really chew my food. You all know I love to talk... so the whole eating and talking thing... I need to work on!! Let's see I am creeping closer and closer to the under 200 mark!! I have 18 pounds to go... aahhh!! That's sooo exciting for me!! I have been trying to only weigh myself once a week. I actually toyed with the idea of giving up the scale for Lent... but I just knew I would NEVER be able to keep that one!! So I'm trying to only weigh once a week (although I have weighed myself twice since coming home from VT this past weekend - whoops!) I was on retreat last weekend again with the other half of my 10th graders and I had a really cool, yet funny NSV (non scale victory for those of you who forgot what it stands for!) So I had 4 peer ministers with me (God Squad they like to be called!) I love all my peer ministers and have grown really close to them. Well, Connor, who's a hoot and a half was one of them this weekend. I gave a talk on Saturday night on receiving God's love and finding God in the good times and bad times. Well, I had pictures that I showed during my talk as I talked about my beautiful nephew Cameron! After my talk and some processing we transitioned into the saturday evening prayer. This year we did an Emmaus Walk (well really an Emmaus sit!) It was AWESOME and so powerful!! Connor asked to be my partner during the prayer experience. So we set off to find a quiet corner for prayer and as we went to sit down Connor says to me "Hey Kate, I'm not sure this will come out right, but wow - you're really slimming down!! I mean i've heard you say how much you've lost but I see you like a few times a week so I guess I haven't really payed much attention cause ya know I am a dude - but looking at the pictures you showed us.. WOW!!" Now, I haven't been too comfy lately with the attention and acknowledgement of my shrinking body... I am finding that I am becoming more and more self conscious the more I loose. But, Connor is actually the first teen to say anything to me. It was just really a heartwarming comment he said!

I am super excited for this Lent. In the last 4 years Lents been over and I've realized I've missed the entire season. So this year I am really focusing each day on Lent. I'm really excited and just feel it's going to a great one not only cause I am focusing so much on it, but also because i am on such a life changing journey right now. I've found myself going deeper in prayer even before lent began. I've had a lot of soul searching to do since surgery and i've relied heavily on God for helping me with my insecurities as well as to give me the strength to change lifestyle patterns and habits. Jesus has been my little running partner everyday!! (yes you read that correctly - RUNNING!) I LOVE to run now!! So much that I actually just signed up for the Groton Road Race (but I'll blog about running another day.) My daily run has become an awesome prayer experience for me. Each day Jesus and I go off for a little 2-3 mile jaunt in different places... lately a lot of running on the beach or through the mountains. (all imagery... i have a treadmill!) It's been VERY cool!!

I am happy and healthy and getting stronger and stronger each day. I am so excited to see what the future holds... it's still hard to not picture me as the fat 293 pound Kate that I once was... but in time I am sure I will...

Week 15

Today marks 15 weeks since surgery! All in all I am doing really well, minus the few little bumps in the road last week! My shorter hair is growing on me, my little pouch has healed nicely since my "stuck" moment, and things are getting slightly "softer" each week! lol!! (I am still having some issues there - but Miralax has helped some!) I accidentally took the entire week off last week from working out... whoops! But back on the band wagon today! Although the scale hasn't dropped too much this last week (only about 2 or 3 pounds) the inches are definitely melting away. I am even beginning to notice the changes (which I really hadn't noticed too much until now!) I have very little left in my closet to wear... and no money to buy new stuff... so I do laundry like every other day. I have 2 pairs of jeans that fit just right for the first wear or maybe 2, but anything more - they fall right off!! Anyone got some size 16's out there?? lol! I had such a fun night Saturday night - laughed a lot, danced some too! I've put some pics below of the fun night!! Paula was there which made it that much better too!! My top in the pictures is one that I bought like 2 years ago - and it NEVER fit... had the tags on them!! My pants kept falling down as I danced... my free hand often was holding the back of my pants so they didn't come right down during the evening!! Being pushed by Margo and Sue to go outside my comfort zone and join the support group and forum has been phenomenal!! I wish I had found them before surgery! Each Wednesday night at 9:30 PM I log on and spend the next 90 minutes in the live online support - there are great "speakers" (typers) each week on awesome topics like the importance of Vitamins, bariatric eating, and this week - our relationship with food! I've met some really nice supportive "friends" through this too! All in all, so far it's a been a great journey - not easy by any means, but it's been a good process for me! Here are some of the most recent pictures of me:

I had more - but it won't let me upload the others... so these will have to do for now!! lol!

Spoke too soon....

So it hasn't been the greatest of the past 10 days or so, and not looking up yet either. I have begun to loose a lot of hair (a side effect with rapid weight loss.) Some people loose lots, others none at all. I thought I was in the clear as it usually appears around month 2 and I am almost at month 4... but no such luck. About 2 weeks ago I began to notice a lot of hair loss after showers and then throughout the day. So when I was at the hair dresser today - Kellie (my stylist - she's been cutting my hair since High School) noticed that I was thinning on the top of my head even before I mentioned it to her. It has begun to really bug me... so she suggested going shorter and adding more layers to increase the volume to make the thinning less noticeable until my hair begins to grow back and thicken again (usually about 6-8 months post op.) So, my hair is up to my chin now with cute new layers - i like it - which is a bonus!! I am still suffering from my weekend "issue" which is sssslllloooowwwwllly getting better. Then today, why I haven't learned this lesson yet, I was sitting with some of my teens at youth group just chatting as everyone arrived. I had just warmed up some chicken and black beans for dinner and was pretty pumped about eating it! Well I was talking and laughing with the kids when I swallowed too much because I wasn't paying attention to chewing since I was talking. Well this "stuck" episode was WAAAYYY worse than my last one. I have officially now thrown up... not just once - but 4 times. Luckily - throwing up now - it's not too bad... it's more like baby spit up quantity and it doesn't really hurt (well the first 2 times... by the 4th time - my little pouchie poo wasn't liking it too much!) It made the pain of the stuck food go away much faster than before. But now my pouch is irritated and not liking really anything that I put into it - even just water. I hope after a nights sleep and resting it, I will feel better in the morning. And to top all this off - I have a cold, which I can't take anything for (no OTC meds at all anymore for colds, etc.. just Tylenol only and only if REALLY needed.) And aunt flo has arrived.... uugghh.. it's been a week..... thanks for letting me whine. However - I have crossed the 65 pounds lost mark! :)

WARNING!!! TMI - proceed with caution!!

OOOUUUUCCCHHHH! :( I am currently up at my most favorite place - The Mello's in VT. I arrived yesterday and am loving every second of being here - well almost every second. So since last weekend I've been having a little, how should I say it... a little lower digestive trouble! I've started getting slightly constipated. Now I had been warned this could happen for one of many reasons. High protein diet, all the multi vitamins I am taking, the iron supplements, lack of fiber in the diet... Now most GBS patients have drastic changes in their bowel habits after surgery. We eat so little each day - there's not too much to digest each day!! So most people only go every 3 or 4 days - I was right along in this category - sometimes even more often than that! So.... this past week it's been a little longer than usual and a little more difficult "to go." So yesterday I was VERY VERY constipated.... and last night I really really had urges I could not ignore - so off the to the potty to go. Needless to say... I was there - for.... a long while. And ended up with the most MAJOR and painful hemorroids. So bad that sitting hurt, standing hurt, walking hurt - even peeing hurt. :( I went to bed around midnight, took until 1 ish for me to fall asleep... at 4:15 AM - I awoke to excrutiating pain. I laid awake until 7:30 AM not able to fall asleep. So at 7:30 I climbed carefully out of bed, grabbed Brenna's car keys and drove down to RiteAid to stock up on some hemorroid treatments.... tucks, preparation h, epsom salt. After easing the pain slightly enough so I could take a couple hour nap, I headed to the AWESOME jacuzzi tub of Dave and Terrie's and took a little sitz bath with epsom salt. I am feeling a little better.... still in pain - but not as much as in the middle of the night.

So while I was laying bed waiting for the meds to kick in, I chatted with Paula and commisserated together about hemorroids - it was nice to have someone who knew EXACTLY what I was feeling like. I was also on the forums for GBS trying to see what others said about Constipation and hemorroids. Here's what I learned... even though our doctors tell us to take fiber supplements like Benefiber or Metamucil... we shouldn't - unless we drink AT LEAST 120 fluid oz of PURE water a day (not counting protein shakes, crystal light, milk, etc...) Since benefiber is water soluable - it soaks up water... if you aren't getting those minimum of 12o oz... it will take water from you - ie - from your fecal matter - making it VERY hard... and large. Well wouldn't you know - about 2 weeks ago I began Benefiber because I knew i wasn't getting enough fiber since I mainly eat protien. And I am NO WHERE near 120 oz of water a day.... so problem solved (hopefully) no more Benefiber for me! For now its Milk of Magnesia, Tucks, Preparation H and some sitz baths and lots of prayers to get me through this retreat weekend without being in horrible pain! Prayers welcome!! :)

NSV's

NSV's

(Non Scale Victories)

Besides the 61 pounds that I am down - there are a list of NSV's that i've accomplished!

• My boobs stick out farther than my tummy roll!
• A belt doesn't really help at all for keeping my pants up.
• I can wear an XL shirt and not have to stretch it to fit!
• You can now see my collar bones!
• I RAN for a whole 1/2 mile at 4.5 mph WITH OUT stopping!!!
• A pair of capri's I bought over the summer that did not go on farther than my hips - now fit me like a glove!
• I have 8 pairs of pants that I have had to bag away into a bag labeled - TOO BIG!
• At my managers training this weekend - so many people commented on how great I look!! :)

Thank goodness for NSV's!! The scale creeping down is great - but these trump that!!

Travel

I am currently sitting in the Orlando International Airport waiting for my flight to begin to board. I've been here since 5:00 PM tonight. My original 6:25 PM Flight has been delayed to 8:55 PM. This now means that I will not arrive to Manchester, NH until 1:15 AM and not home until after 2:00 AM... needless to say I am tired and cranky. I've had a great weekend - and it was much too short. I plan to blog about my trip tomorrow since I have had much revalations this weekend (and some good "after" shots of me!) I would like today to blog about Airports. Traveling was always a small challenge for me before surgery with ya know my whole Gluten allergy. But I could always make do - cheeseburgers without buns, salads, yogurts, nuts, ice cream or frozen yogurt. But now it's almost impossible to eat at an airport - not to mention on a plane. I found out on the way down here that no airline serves decaf tea... now I am not suppose to have regular black tea - but my little pouch doesn't really like cold drinks right now and hot drinks seem to soothe it. I did drink the regular tea on the plane ride down - they don't give you much anyways - only about 4 ounces. And if caffeine is suppose to bother me - it didn't. Anyways, the snacks they serve on the planes too are of course a no go on this new lifestyle of mine! That didn't bother me actually - but its the "what if..." of the whole thing that does. What if I really needed to eat someting. What if we got stuck on the tarmat or something for a long time and i didn't have "pouch and gluten friendly" food? Now since I currently have been at the airport waiting for over 3 hours I've spent some time wandering around to kill time. There is basically NOTHING that I or anyone who's had GBS could eat. I mean you've got McDonalds (maybe a salad - maybe), Sbarro - no pizza for any of us GBSers, Au bo pain - again too much bread in there for anyone that's had the surgery. And finally there's Ben and Jerry's.... again - that's a definite NO! Thank goodness I packed protein bars, protein cereal, and protein powder in my carry!! Ok... we are boarding time to line up in numerical order - oh I love Southwest!! Until tomorrow....

OUCH!

All in all things are going great, however I did hurt my little pouch (or pocket as Scott likes me to call it) earlier this week and its still a little mad at me! Over the weekend my Dad made his most incredible Beef Stew! Yummy! I was looking forward to eating some all day on Saturday - when I got home Saturday evening I went and warmed me up some! The beef was oh so tender and moist and it was delic! However, about 10 bites into it an extremely sharp and painful pain struck me right in the middle of my chest (like exactly where if you were to do chest compressions where your palm is supposed to be placed!) That's exactly where my "new stomach"/pouch is located now. Oh man did it hurt. I waited a few minutes thinking maybe I just put too much in that bite... but 5 minutes later it was getting worse. I sat up straight, stretched, walked around the house - coughed a lot, tried to burp... no such luck. I got on the computer and hopped on to the bariatric eating message boards and looked around to see if I could find out what was wrong. So I found out that I got that some food stuck. It took about an hour for the pain to go away... I tried everything - even trying to make myself sick (as recommended on the boards) no such luck. Since then, my little pouchie poo doesn't like much food unless I drink something hot before I eat and even then it's a little sensitive. I got some chicken stuck last night - not nearly as bad as over the weekend, but still uncomfortable. So i'll be taking it easy this weekend while I am in Orlando at Catholic Heart managers training. Lots of protein drinks with me and soft protein bars... I hope taking it really easy this weekend will help the pouch to heal a little!! Looking forward to seeing everyone tonight at our CHWC gathering! Many haven't seen me since last January - 61 pounds heavier!! Sunday and Monday I am hanging with my family at their beach house in New Smyrna Beach until I fly home late Monday night. It will be my first time in a bathing suit since surgery... :/ But hey - i got to bring new clothes with me that I had in my closet that I bought that don't fit!! That will be fun!! :)

Day 72

Wow! Sorry for the long delay on posting!! Like the old saying goes - No news is good news!! Things are going very well! Today is day 72 post opp and I am down a total of 55 pounds as of this morning!! I'm beginning to look like a bag lady as most of my clothes are getting too big - especially pants! I'll be putting my sewing skills to good use this weekend to take in some of my pants! Monday was my last official day on a "staged diet." I am now on Stage 5 - which means - maintenance. I can eat really anything my little pouch will allow... not that I am eating anything that I want. I am learning from my time on support forums that the first year after WLS - nicely called "The Honeymoon Year" is for me to make the changes and create the habits for lifelong eating. They say I really could eat Doritos all day long and still lose weight, but after a year - the scale would start to creep back up. Thankfully I don't really crave "bad" foods like carbs and sweets! This is truly a blessing. Each day I aim for my 80-100 grams of protein and try not to get more than 35-40 grams of crabs. I still don't dare to test out my little pouchy poo with sugar - so everything I eat is either low or no sugar. I am becoming quite the cook! I've found an amazing website (www.bariatriceating.com) that has some of the most amazing recipes and stuff to buy! I am trying new foods and cooking away. I meal plan my whole week, and then cook on saturdays, tuesdays and thursdays. I do much better when I have my whole day planned out of what to eat - and bring it with me. When I don't - I barely get 300 calories in and I tend to have more carbs than protein cause of what's available to eat. I am back to work full time now. The hardest thing is remembering to eat and take vitamins while at work. I am gettting better slowly, but surely! My body seems to be changing everyday! It's really fun to go "shopping" in my wardrobe!! Lots of clothes that were too small now fit (or are even too big!) Things I haven't worn in years are making a comeback!! I have so much that i've been thinking about blogging about - and i can't seem to put my mind together to do it right now! I'll leave it all to blog over the next few days!! So far - 2009 is my year!! :) Happy New Year everyone!!