All things connected...

So I am so far off the beaten path - in more ways than one! Thanks to my friend Sue who encouraged me to blog again (aparently she loves the way I write... hmmm.. I've never considered myself a good writer... so thanks!)

My whole little world has been turned upside down and spun round and round since my last post. Here's the skinny. I have given my notice at work, accepted an amazing new Youth ministry position, severely herniated 3 discs in my lower lumbar/sacrum, started falling back into my old habits both with food and emotions, drowned myself with work, oh man the list could go on and on. As much as I am quick to see all the negative and "bad things" with my crazy last few months... I have been even quicker to see how God is working in and around all these situations - and how blessed I have been to have had this Gastric Bypass - because without it - I never would have begun to "unpack" this VERY LARGE suitcase I carry around with me.

Since my dear friend Jim left my home parish of St. Elizabeth's in Acton almost 1.5 years ago now, it has always been in the back of my mind. I didn't throw my name into the bunch when he first left because lets be honest here - who really wants to follow in Jim Flanagan's footsteps? But after they hired a new YM and things seemed to be struggling there - I was really regretting not applying and seeing what God would have wanted from me. But I've learned God always wins. So when I heard talk that the YM's time was nearing an end I sat down with the Pastor to just chat about YM and to let him know basically - I'm open and willing to chat about potetial job openings at St. E's if and when that ever happens. Turns out the YM had just given his notice that week! WOW - God is so cool! So, I handed in my resume and really left everything up to God. I wasn't super super happy at my current parish, but I also by no means was completely miserable - get me out of here! I honestly believe that I could make it work and be happy where ever God calls me. So I prayed and gave it to Him. 2.5 weeks later - I had gone of 3 interviews and was offered the job. Now I did kinda freak out. Man church world when it comes to jobs typically is much slower than real life! I didn't feel like I was ready or had prayed enough about it - and lets be real - I couldn't fathom leaving my kids at my current parish. I was a senior when my YM (our Parochial Vicar) left - and it SUCKED. Like ruined my senior year - I never never never wanted to make any of my teens feel even half of what I felt - and I knew with me leaving that was the inevitable. So I prayed and prayed for God to give me a sign to tell me NOT to take this job. And what did He do? Gave me all these signs TO take the job. And in the amazing words of Margo "Get up, have courage, Jesus is calling you!" And with those words, I made up my mind and put full trust in God that He'd carry me and He knew what He was doing. 10 days ago I told my teens. It was a wild ride of a night, emotional, difficult, humbling and most importantly - Christ Centered and prayerful. The kids are struggling with it, but we are leaning on eachother and becoming a stronger front because of it. Not to mention they have 5 more months with me! So I leave St. John's fulltime on December 31st and begin in Acton fulltime January 1, 2010. I will remain on part time (10 hours) at St. John's through April 30th. Call me crazy, yes... but I truly feel in my gut that this is what God is wanting from me. I do believe He very much is testing me cause these past 10 days have been really really hard. But I know He'll carry me through. Needless to say - I've been a little stressed...

So if you remember back a few posts, I hurt my back in South Carolina this summer. I don't recall actually doing anything outside of riding on a bus for 22+ hours that could have injured it. But after 11 weeks of 3x's a week of Chiropratic, 1-2 medical myofascial massages a week and specialized back strengthening exercises - and I continued to get worse not better - it was time for an MRI to see what my spine looked like. My MRI was last friday afternoon, and monday morning at 8:15 AM my cell rang and it was the Doctor - uh oh... not a good sign. Long story short - turns out I have 3 Severley Herniated discs in my lower back - my L4, L5 and S1. (so cool that I actually know where they are and what they mean - Massage school has taught me a lot!!) I also have no "soft chewy centers" to those discs either - and a small stress fracture in L4 and L5. I am messed up! So I go for massages on Monday mornings. And on the monday before I had to tell my kids that I was leaving - I was on the table and Tom (my massage therapist) was working on me and was talking to me and said "Your muscles feel like they are doing all they can to hold on and not fall apart." At that momement I emotionally fell apart on the table. (which you will see is a recurring theme these past couple weeks!) Man I knew our bodies are incredible species and the science is amazing - but really my muscles were communicating to Tom what my entire emotional being was feeling. I was so stressed out about leaving and telling the kids and the annoucement to the parish, I literally felt like every second of each day I was doing all that I can to hold it together and be strong. When I saw Tom for another Massage on Thursday (the day after I told the kids) he commented on how everything felt different. I also felt emotionally different - like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Don't get me wrong - I haven't had a day yet that I haven't cried about leaving. But I am confident in my decision. And now it's onto fixing the physical injuries to my back... off to the neurosurgeon I go in 2 weeks. I however REFUSE to have back surgery at 28 years old!

With all this stress and craziness, I have fallen off the wagon. I have learned that I can tolerate moderate amounts of sugar (bad thing to have found out - cause peanut butter m&m's are my vice), and I have been going CARB crazy!! I am barely getting in 50 grams of protein a day (some days it's like barely 30!) not drinking enough water, been really lazy about the whole no drinking with food or within 30 mins of eating. Drinking more wine that I probably should be (empty calories). Needless to say - I've gained a few pounds. And because of the back - I haven't been able to run due to the pain... so i'm not burning calories like I was used to. I also have gone back to my stuffing of my emotions and blocking out those who I care the most about. The difference now, I am very aware of my habits and what I am doing... am I aware enough that I change them in the moment? No, but I never used to be aware of them. So my new goal is to be aware, be present in the moment and to change the behavior so I can create new habits - healthy habits.

So Monday (cause my day tomorrow is so crazy) begins a new for me. I am almost 13 months post-op... and i'm not about to let myself and this new tool I was given and this blessing in my life fail. I am all about completing things I've started now. I've learned through therapy and unpacking my baggage - that I am afraid of completion, afraid of ends, afraid of goodbyes, afraid of myself. I've never finished a lot of things I've started. Like I never finished college (I actually left my 1st semster on college 2 weeks before finals). I don't like goodbyes - I walked out of my dying grandmother's hospital room without saying goodbye - I love you- or hugging her for the last time - I just couldn't do it. I'm afraid of making my own decisions - i never decide even the littlest of things - cause my decisions affect others. So I've begun a new era of Kate. I'm embrassing these goodbye's at St. John's, I'm finishing Massage School no matter how stressed out or difficult my final semester will be with working 2 jobs and fulltime school, I am going to end St. John's on a positive note and not run away, I'm going to trust my instincts, go with my gut and make decisions that are good for me and are grounded in prayer - no matter how they may affect others (since I am quick to shy away from unpopular decisions.) This is going to be a year of Kate - finding the real Kate that's been burried under pounds and pounds of baggage for the last 28.5 years. My goal - to love thyself like God loves me.