How I really think and feel...

I've been fooling you all... fooling myself too. I tell everyone how great I feel and how great I'm doing - I tell myself that too. But honestly... I'm struggling - a lot. It's taken me a while to actually compose this post - days of mulling it over and contemplating if I actually post it or not. I am not looking for pity or for people to feel sorry for me... not 100% sure what i'm looking for from this... but i am hoping that this will begin some healing and new thinking and moving forward on my end. As well as let everyone know - this journey of mine - of anyone who's had Gastric Bypass - it's not an easy one by all means.

I've officially lost 90 pounds. I have 3 pounds to go until I am under the 200 pound mark and 7 to go to hit the 100 pounds gone. I can run a 12 minute mile. I've run my first 5k road race and loved it. I am wearing a size 14 (that's 4-5 dress sizes smaller than I was last year.) I have a whole lot more energy than ever before. I can cross my legs. I can see my feet when i look down. My rings are all too big for my fingers. I've lost my double chin. My belly button isn't covered by a roll of fat anymore. My thighs only touch at the top now - no longer from the knees up. I've got defined muscles in my legs and arms now. I have collar bones. People I haven't seen in a long time take second glances before they realize it's me. I can do push ups - real ones. I can climb flights of stairs without getting winded. I haven't used my inhaler in 3 months.

With all these great and awesome changes one would think I'd be ecstatic with myself right? How dare I feel bad for myself? I ask myself those same questions each day. Why do I feel like i hate myself more now than I did 90 pounds ago? Why when I look at myself in a mirror or picture do I still see the 293 pound Kate? Why do I tear a part every single aspect of myself? I wish I had an easy answer to all these questions. But i don't - cause i'm still struggling to figure them out and work through them myself. Here's what I have learned tho:

I lived by the moto of "it's what is on the inside that counts." I still believe that - but it's a little different now. But ya know what - i'm not so sure I am liking all that I am finding on the inside. I was able before to hide behind an extra 150 pounds or so of ugliness. 150 pounds that put up a physical barrier of people asking me the hard questions. People truly wanting to know about me... Me truly wanting to know about me. So much of "me" was how being the "fat girl" was difficult. How horrid my childhood years and high school years were because of cruel classmates. How all of those awful experiences led me down a long twisting road of depression, self hatred and hurt - of learning how to put a smile on and act like I am doing great. Those 150 pounds taught me how to be "fake," not be real with myself... not get to know who Kate Deasy is. And that my friends is a great question. Who is Kate Deasy? I don't know. And I hate that. I'm 28, I should know who I am. But if you asked me that today - I don't think I could go beyond surface level - beyond the facts as they are right now - a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a God Mother, and a youth minister.

When I think back to my high school years and my early twenties - when I was at my lowest (or so I thought) - I remember thinking that I could never feel lonelier than then. But I am lonely. A different lonely - and lonelier. I mean I have wonderful friends and a great family and amazing teens and families at work... but I am lonely. I feel empty. The more weight I lose - the emptier I feel. I've lost my identity. I used to hate that I was classified and known for my weight... now - I kinda miss that. Who am I? What's my identity now? Who is Kathleen Megan Deasy? That's the journey I am on now... finding a "new best friend." I lose more and more of my old best friend every day/week... as much as I hated the extra weight and wished it away, and placed lots of blame on it... I miss it. Not all the unhealthy aspects of it - just the comfort it gave me, and the wall it put up and the personal boundary it provided. The scariest thoughts of all are those that I'm scared of not feeling lonely, of not feeling empty. I don't know what that feels like. I am so numb to my own emotions. Everyday I feel as though at any moment I could completely break down... yet I can't. I wait for it and it never happens. There have been people I've avoided and hugs I've dodged cause I've thought that if that person asks me how I am I will loose it; if that person hugs me right now I won't be able to keep it all together... I quickly re-direct conversations about how I am and how I am doing away from me, cause I know someone will really look into my eyes and see I am lying... yes physically I am great - emotionally, not so much. Just sitting here typing this, I can feel the tears beginning behind my eyes - but they won't come out.

So my solution for now is to pray and to post this. Prayer is what led me to write this post in the first place - so we'll see what God has in store. Thanks for listening. Maybe pray for me too?