I am in a little bit of a funk I believe. I've been in it since Thursday and I can't seem to shake it. Luckily it only comes across to most people as I look like I am very tired - which I am - or that I am not feeling too well - which I am not; BUT - there's more. I'm frustrated. I'm wondering if I made the right decision. I go through every day having very limited to eat, not able to eat things that I'd actually really like to (like seriously I would die to be able to eat a rice cake with cheese melted on it - i know sounds gross, but that's my comfort food!!) I don't feel "normal." I want to be able to do everything I could before the surgery. I'm tired of the weird pain still in my abdomen, I'm tired of setting alarms to tell me what drugs I have to take next, and frankly - i'm tired of being tired. I am also tired of getting on the scale every day and seeing the numbers drop but not noticing it with body changes or even clothes for that matter. I look in the mirror and still see that pre-surgery body, just now with 10 ugly scars all over my stomach. I don't see a 30+ pound lighter/skinnier Kate. I'm frustrated and annoyed that I now am even more difficult to go out with. I mean before going out to eat with friends was always touchy because we'd have to make sure we ate somewhere that had Gluten Free food for me - but usually we always could find a place that I could eat something - even if it was just a salad. Now I know that was frustrating for my friends and family but it never seemed overly a nuisance. Well in just over a week I will be in Ohio with great friends at the National Youth Ministry Conference. We eat out every meal. I've been doing research on area restaurants and eateries so I could scope out menu's now - and seriously there's like 5 places I can eat - not because of Gluten Free - but because of the surgery diet. I hate being the annoying one who can and can not eat at places. I know it frustrates my friends - even though they don't say it - I can see it in body language and faces. I don't blame them - it frustrates me probably even more than them. Did I really make the right decision? Not that there's anything I can do about it now except come to terms with it... I know in the long run I'll be glad I did - but right now - it sucks. Yet I go about each day and smile and tell everyone I am doing great, a little tired and still in some pain - but overall doing really well. Well ya know what? I'm not doing so great - I cry every day, I'm bored, I'm lonely, I miss my kids, I miss my nephew, I miss having energy, I miss being able to go out for a drink with the girls, I miss being able to eat things I really want to eat, I miss being able to go out and not have to worry about what to pack for food, I miss feeling normal....
Hopefully fussin up and telling it like it really is will help me get out of this funk, cause I don't want to feel like this anymore....
6 comments:
Kate is there a support group? Ask your doctor cuz you are not the only one.
Lets face it you did make BIG changes and whether or not it is Weight Watchers or Surgery or or Jenny Craig.... Anything you are going to follow for the rest of your life requires some work and some sacrifice and some aggravation and some choices.
You do have some wonderful caring friends and family however so it is ok to not always have a smile on your face, they can take it!
Also you will need to know the "whys" of why you overate, because they did not go away with your surgery. You will need to address them.
As for seeing your results....I lost 40 pounds before a single person even noticed! I could not see my loss even when it was 64 pounds last time, even looking at pictures of myself. I think that contributed to regaining most of it. This time I can tell. I am really working on prayer and very positive thoughts. Not always easy.
The path you have chosen is hard. But you are a remarkable person with so many wonderful gifts. You can do this!
I think this is the reason they recommend groups like the support group at your hospital, because it just has to be so normal that people who go through this get to feeling this way. In the meantime, go cruise on these sites I hunted down for you, maybe you'll find someone who's saying what you feel?
http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/gastric-bypass-surgery-discussions
http://www.thinnertimesforum.com/gastric-bypass-forums/
http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity
http://www.angelfire.com/ok3/vbowen/
As for Ohio, you will have food with you that you can eat so if we cannot go to a place that has food you can eat, you can always bring yours with you.
Also, consider the money you will save!
It is always difficult to see weight loss in the beginnin - especially on ourselves - but the first place I can always see it is the face. And that is one place you can definitely see it on you too. (I haven't checked out the rest of you ... and it might be creepy if I did...)
For that odd pain in the abdomen ... call your doctor's office for the love of Pete! Better to clear your mind then wonder about it.
hey katee...im sorry you're not feeling very good :( i hope things start to look up for you! just be patient :) i can't imagine what you are going through. love you lots! xoxo
Hey let's have an update!!! Are you feeling better?
Kate - I'm Kyle and Cory's mom -- Kyle gave me your website because I know a couple of people who have had this surgery done and wondered what they might be going through. I'm praying for you and hope you are feeling better soon. I think you are in Cleveland now and are probably having a great time. I'm looking forward to meeting you at the big wedding and would be glad to have special food for you if you let me know what that would be. See you soon! love, Kyle and Cory's mom (JoAnn)
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