Failure. A word that haunts me; a word I run from - yet in a weird way - i run to. The word that is on the forefront of my mind for the past few weeks. It all started as soon as I came home from Mississippi and got my mail that had accumulated over the 3 weeks I had been away. In it was my diploma from Cortiva Institute! I have FINALLY graduated from Massage School! While many people would see this as not such a large accomplishment it stands for a lot in my little mind. You see - since high school, I've never finished anything... I've failed at much. It seems as though much of my life has been taken up with failing at things, or giving up. Whenever things got really hard - I gave up. I've failed at many things as well. I left Salve Regina 1 week before final exams - received no credit for that semester. Went off to Middlesex Community, and after 3 semesters left. Then enrolled at UMASS - again 3 semesters and I left. FAILURE. I have failed miserably at managing my own personal money - which has gotten me into the extreme debt I am in now. I am reminded constantly at home how much I have failed as a daughter/sister/aunt/grand-daughter... I have failed at relationships. I have failed numerous times to live my life as Christ would like.
I am away at CHWC NJ right now. Yet, I am bombarded with feelings of failure. I am in the unique position of being at camp with my "new" parish and my "old" parish. We actually traveled on the same bus down here together. Each day I feel like I am being slapped in the face. Seeing and hearing about MY failures at St. John's. This great group of my all star teens and 2 amazing adults are so hurt. I failed them by leaving. I failed them by being selfish and walking out on them. I've failed them because they are so angry with the Church now. My leaving began a domino effect of disappointments in these kids lives. I sit back and listen to the hurt and heart break they all are sharing with me... the jealousy and disappointment in their eyes when they see me with the "new" parish. It stings.
Besides all this, I've been a failure with Gastric Bypass. A friend has gastric bypass about a year after me - a mom of one of my teens. I was her cheerleader. So excited for her! She's done GREAT! One wouldn't even recognize her. Sadly (for me - great for her) she doesn't even follow a strict post surgery life style... yet she's down to goal weight and looks absolutely incredible!! I, on the other hand - have failed miserably at it. I am almost 3 years post op - and while I have lost 80+ pounds... I am no where near goal weight. My weight goes up and down, up and down... I've stopped running, I am so busy that I don't cook anymore - and eat what I can when I can - which usually consists of lots of carbs (as opposed to protein which I am suppose to eat.) I've learned that some sugar doesn't bother me - so candy here and there it is. I sit and look at myself and think - I'm gonna get back on track... but I never do...
I sit and wonder why I can't seem to follow through on things and complete things - tough it out. I don't know what I'm afraid of. Wait that's a lie... I know what I am afraid of when it comes to the Gastric Bypass... I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of having to know who I really am - actually I know who I really am - but no one else does. I won't have anything to protect me anymore - no protective bubble. I'm afraid. I guess it's fear that is my crutch of failure. I wish I was afraid of failing.
I am not sure how to "keep myself from failing" because everyone fails in their life. I do know that completion feels GREAT! Sadly I was alone when I opened my cortiva diploma... but I will let you know I had a grin from ear to ear and did a little dance! It felt so good to be able to say - I did it! I put my mind to it, worked super hard, loved every second of it, and did it with a 4.0 to boot! I need to savor in those moments more... maybe i'd succeed more....
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