God's hand in my life

God certainly has been throwing me curve balls lately. First, my Grandfather dies while I am away at CHWC in NJ. My beautiful baby girl niece is born smack in the middle of my Grandfathers arrangements. My long time childhood friend and son of my flute professor suddenly dies at 29 years old. I receive disheartening news about my medical health... all in a 2.5 week span of time. The few people that I have let into my emotions over these few weeks have commented "I don't know how you do it Kate," "Man, how are you still smiling?" and "God just doesn't let up with you does He? It's not fair." At first I would think - "you're right, it's not fair. How am I doing this? All I can do is smile, what else is there to do?" And I'd be lying if I said that I haven't screamed at God, been really down in the dumps, wallowed in my sorry, been angry with what's been thrown my way. And while I don't have answers and my past few weeks have been an emotional ride from Hell that I really want to get off of - I do know that God's hand have very much been shown to me.

I often find myself praying to God asking Him to show Himself to me; let me FEEL you Jesus. Rarely do I then FEEL Him. But I can hands down tell you that over these weeks God has let me FEEL Him through a small handful of experiences/people He strategically placed in my life.

Tuesday night, August 3rd, in the middle of CHWC Taco Tuesday program I felt my cell phone vibrate in my pocket. Under normal circumstances I would have let it go to voicemail - but since my sister-in-law was super preggo and had gone into false labor once already, I looked at my phone. I saw it was my dad. So I ran out of the gym (program area) to the front lawn. Expecting to hear my Dad tell me that Michelle was in labor and time for me to come home, my Dad asked me how I was. Aggitated, I told him I was fine but in the middle of program. He continued to say that Mark and Michelle are fine and so is the baby, but that Grampie had died early that evening. I went numb. He continued to talk and honestly thinking back on that I have no clue what he said. I just remember beginning to cry, asking if I need to come home, being told no and to stay at camp. My Dad asked if I was ok, I said yup, he said call if I needed to talk and that he loved me and then we hung up. As soon as I closed my phone I walked about ten steps to the grassy hill, sat down, pulled my knees to my chest and began to sob. The next thing I feel are arms around me and person right next to me. Jon Pressimone (CHWC staffer and super close friend of mine) was at my side, holding me while I wept. After sitting with me for a little, Jon asked if I wanted to pray. I shook my head yes, we locked arms, I laid my head on his shoulder, his head rested on mine and Jon prayed. Jon cared for me the way Jesus cares for us. Jon held me in my saddness, the way Jesus holds us. Jesus knows me so well, knows that I need physical reminders and feelings of Him in my life. This is not the first time He has sent me Jon in times of trial and heart ache... And I am grateful that Jesus hand picked Jon to be in my life at specific times and places to share in my joys and to comfort in my sorrows.

Mia Kathleen Deasy was born at 2:33 AM on Tuesday August 10th. This sweet little bundle of joy began her entry into the world on Sunday evening - just after a lovely family dinner with our grieving Grandmother. This sweet little girl became the silver lining to a dismal few days - the rainbow after the storm. While she kept my brother and sister-in-law from being able to attend the arrangements for Grampie, she gave my family - especially my Grandmother - something wonderful to look forward to and talk about. While it was emotionally challenging to go directly from the funeral to the hospital - it was a welcome transition. This little 7 pound 8 ounce bundle of joy brought peace, comfort, happiness, smiles and joy to our entire family - and close friends. Seeing the joy in my mom's eyes when she first held her Granddaughter on Tuesday evening was a gift in and of itself. God's hand is at work all over here - and finding Christ in Mia is a blessing and so so sooo easy! Pure Joy!

Sean MacDonald was a wonderful friend growing up. He was a jokester and picked on me often - but never in a demeaning or cruel way - always in a playful and loving way. I spent a lot of time at Sean's house growing up. Sean's mom was my flute teacher since I was in the 5th grade. Sean and I played in band together, chose to be in groups for school projects together, and laughed a lot! Sean followed in his mom's musical footsteps and was one of the best low brass players I know. He LOVED music. A self taught Pianist, he could pick up any instrument and play it - and play it well. Sean was diagnosed with Diabetes when he was a kid. But Sean just liked to live life. While I knew that Sean had been having complications from his diabetes after college - i didn't know how bad it had gotten - I don't think any of us did - including his family. Sean passed away on August 15th, by himself at home in CT. I heard the news on Monday morning and my heart sank. The wake was one of the hardest I've been to in a long time. Seeing Paige (his mom), his disabled Father, and his newly married brother for the first time in a few years was so hard. Seeing a withered away, formerly slightly chubbier man, old time friend, laying in a casket - was gut wrenching. Looking down at my friend whom I've known since 1st grade, who is only 3 months older than me put a lot of things in perspective for me. Hugging his mom and thinking of what she must be feeling brought me to tears. The funeral was a beautiful celebration of his life - a tearful one at that - but a true celebration. What i did love was that the Pastor didn't beat around the bush or sugar coat that this death was avoidable... Diabetes management takes work, and committed work, and when you don't your body shuts down - there's no way around it. And while it never placed blame, honored and celebrated Sean - it also faced the facts straight on. I struggled finding God in Sean's death. How can one find God in a death so avoidable, in a life so young? But I found God in the sorrow. I found God in my friends. I found God in a little rock given to me in March on a retreat that fell out of my wristlet and landed on my lap while sitting in my friend's car, sobbing together trying to gain composure before driving to the cemmetary. That little rock, that connection to the special person in my life who prayed on that rock for a week, flew with it and gave it me to on a retreat, brought such comfort and peace in a time when i so desparately needed it.

Less than 24 hours after burying my childhood friend, I receive a call from my PCP with test results. While there is no 100% definitive answer yet - prognosis is gloomy. More invasive tests await me next week. Scary prognosis' and big words are being thrown around - from Multiple Myeloma to Renal Kidney Failure, lymphoma to Glomerulonephritis... No doubt I am scared. And after just burying your 29 year old friend one can't help but instantly think the worst. After hearing this news I am off to spend the night with some friends. My whole drive to NH I prayed to God asking Him to just tell me it was going to be ok. I had no intentions of telling anyone outside of my family - but circumstances led me to going on a walk with a really close friend and informing him of what I had heard that morning. My calm, cool, collected friend was the rock he has always been for me and just held me, telling me it was gonna be ok - over and over he said "it's gonna be ok - you're gonna be ok - i'm here for you and with you." And while I know that my friend is there for me, and with me - I couldn't help but to have felt his words being Christ's - "I'm here for you and with you - you're gonna be ok." I don't know what my future hold, what my true prognosis will be... but this I do know - what ever comes my way - I'm gonna be ok, and God's right there with me.

His hand is very much in my life. The few people that I have let in recently, let in to places and emotions I don't usually share openly - have been like they are specifically hand picked from Christ, in the exact moments and the exact right times. God certainly knows what He is doing...