Ironic Blog Title

So i know it's been an awfully long time since my last blog entry - sorry 'bout that! I truly do hope to turn over a new leaf and blog again on a regular basis! I've been prepping for a few weeks now on the return - and been thinking and praying about what to have my first blog entry be... and i've come up short! I've had lots going on and lots to blog about - how i'm doing on this post surgery journey, my changing of jobs, how my last job ended, God knows there's been lots of happenings at my old parish, my 3+ mission trips this summer... so much to write about. But I had a little awakening while praying on my ride home tonight. I went up to IC Malden for Margo's awesome LEX! To be honest, I went looking for answers. I went looking for God to answer me during LEX. I hadn't looked at what this Sunday's reading was so I went in blindly - and basically telling God - YOU NEED TO GIVE ME ANSWERS TONIGHT! Ya know - last Sunday's Gospel told us to ASK.. maybe I took it a little far with the yelling and telling - but I've been asking and asking and asking... and get nothing... it's extremely frustrating - so tonight I told... but guess what? I got nothing during LEX! The words/phrases that stuck out to me were no surprise... "rest", "you have so many good things" and "matter to God." They were no surprise because I know it's what God has been telling me lately... "Rest Kate," "you have many good things," and "you matter to God." I am crazy busy right now. I feel like I have HUGE shoes to fill... and in my own self conscious ways - i need to fill them and be more - or I'm not a good YM. I am exhausted... emotionally, mentally and physically. I am on auto pilot right now. I'm so tired, i can't even enjoy what i'm doing... I don't even know what i'm doing... I know God is telling me to rest. I have doubts that I am doing well, doing a good job. I spent my whole week in Mississippi doubting, wondering, worrying... Even when praised by all I still think "I didn't do enough." "I should have done this, why did I do that, should have handled this differently..." "Am i good?" I plague myself with these thoughts and then dwell on them... I know God is telling me that I have and am doing many good things... that He is well pleased... I also question do I really matter? Does God (and people - friends, family, everyone) really care? Do I really matter to people? I know - crazy thoughts - thoughts I shouldn't think... I know in my head that the answer is Yes. I know God Loves me. I know I matter to Him, to my family, to my friends, to my teens... I guess in all these questions and doubts and issues in my life I've begun to realized I KNOW a lot... but I don't FEEL a lot. I don't FEEL loved, I don't FEEL like I'm good enough, I don't FEEL like I matter... I've been praying a lot lately to let me FEEL. My goal as a YM is that every teen leave me KNOWING and FEELING that they matter and are loved by God and by me. Why can't I do that for myself? The weirder thing in all of this is that God is the ONLY person I've allowed to love me. I've worked hard to let myself receive His love. It's been an uncomfortable journey that way... but He made me - so I need to receive His love. He's truly my BFF... we're tight... But the 1 thing I need/want most in my life - I am soooo very afraid of and can't seem to let myself let happen... and that's LOVE. It's my favorite thing to talk about, teach, show, give... but for the life of me - I can't receive it from people - my own family for that matter. I am so very uncomfortable. Maybe it's because in my life I've been so hurt by those who love me. People in my life think I'm an open book... think I tell people everything about me... but that is the FARTHEST from the truth... You know those commercials for drug/alcohol addition? The one with all the people screaming "HELP ME!" but no sound... no one hears... I relate so well to that. Yet i'm screaming "LOVE ME! HELP ME TO LET YOU LOVE ME!" It's not a secret that I can not WAIT to be married! Like yesterday, actually like 5 years ago! But lately i've been thinking... how the heck am I gonna get married, yet alone find someone when I can't receive their love? I begin to like a guy - and the instant I realize they like me back - i freak! And either want to push/rush things... or because i am so uncomfortable with attention - push away. usually it's the Kate needs to control - which makes me come across pushy or rushy... but it's because if I'm in control, I can like you, I can want to do all these things FOR you... but it's can't be turned on me. Yet in my dreams and thoughts, deep down I want to be fought for, I want the fairy tale love story, I want to be dotted on... I want to be the princess... but i am so uncomfortable... Ugh... i'm at a standstill. I have no clue how to fix this besides prayer. I find it ironic that almost 3 years ago now I began this blog and titled it "Finding my other half..." Who would have known that this title has double meaning... finding who the heck Kathleen Megan Deasy is... but now even more so - finding my other half - literally...