God's hand in my life

God certainly has been throwing me curve balls lately. First, my Grandfather dies while I am away at CHWC in NJ. My beautiful baby girl niece is born smack in the middle of my Grandfathers arrangements. My long time childhood friend and son of my flute professor suddenly dies at 29 years old. I receive disheartening news about my medical health... all in a 2.5 week span of time. The few people that I have let into my emotions over these few weeks have commented "I don't know how you do it Kate," "Man, how are you still smiling?" and "God just doesn't let up with you does He? It's not fair." At first I would think - "you're right, it's not fair. How am I doing this? All I can do is smile, what else is there to do?" And I'd be lying if I said that I haven't screamed at God, been really down in the dumps, wallowed in my sorry, been angry with what's been thrown my way. And while I don't have answers and my past few weeks have been an emotional ride from Hell that I really want to get off of - I do know that God's hand have very much been shown to me.

I often find myself praying to God asking Him to show Himself to me; let me FEEL you Jesus. Rarely do I then FEEL Him. But I can hands down tell you that over these weeks God has let me FEEL Him through a small handful of experiences/people He strategically placed in my life.

Tuesday night, August 3rd, in the middle of CHWC Taco Tuesday program I felt my cell phone vibrate in my pocket. Under normal circumstances I would have let it go to voicemail - but since my sister-in-law was super preggo and had gone into false labor once already, I looked at my phone. I saw it was my dad. So I ran out of the gym (program area) to the front lawn. Expecting to hear my Dad tell me that Michelle was in labor and time for me to come home, my Dad asked me how I was. Aggitated, I told him I was fine but in the middle of program. He continued to say that Mark and Michelle are fine and so is the baby, but that Grampie had died early that evening. I went numb. He continued to talk and honestly thinking back on that I have no clue what he said. I just remember beginning to cry, asking if I need to come home, being told no and to stay at camp. My Dad asked if I was ok, I said yup, he said call if I needed to talk and that he loved me and then we hung up. As soon as I closed my phone I walked about ten steps to the grassy hill, sat down, pulled my knees to my chest and began to sob. The next thing I feel are arms around me and person right next to me. Jon Pressimone (CHWC staffer and super close friend of mine) was at my side, holding me while I wept. After sitting with me for a little, Jon asked if I wanted to pray. I shook my head yes, we locked arms, I laid my head on his shoulder, his head rested on mine and Jon prayed. Jon cared for me the way Jesus cares for us. Jon held me in my saddness, the way Jesus holds us. Jesus knows me so well, knows that I need physical reminders and feelings of Him in my life. This is not the first time He has sent me Jon in times of trial and heart ache... And I am grateful that Jesus hand picked Jon to be in my life at specific times and places to share in my joys and to comfort in my sorrows.

Mia Kathleen Deasy was born at 2:33 AM on Tuesday August 10th. This sweet little bundle of joy began her entry into the world on Sunday evening - just after a lovely family dinner with our grieving Grandmother. This sweet little girl became the silver lining to a dismal few days - the rainbow after the storm. While she kept my brother and sister-in-law from being able to attend the arrangements for Grampie, she gave my family - especially my Grandmother - something wonderful to look forward to and talk about. While it was emotionally challenging to go directly from the funeral to the hospital - it was a welcome transition. This little 7 pound 8 ounce bundle of joy brought peace, comfort, happiness, smiles and joy to our entire family - and close friends. Seeing the joy in my mom's eyes when she first held her Granddaughter on Tuesday evening was a gift in and of itself. God's hand is at work all over here - and finding Christ in Mia is a blessing and so so sooo easy! Pure Joy!

Sean MacDonald was a wonderful friend growing up. He was a jokester and picked on me often - but never in a demeaning or cruel way - always in a playful and loving way. I spent a lot of time at Sean's house growing up. Sean's mom was my flute teacher since I was in the 5th grade. Sean and I played in band together, chose to be in groups for school projects together, and laughed a lot! Sean followed in his mom's musical footsteps and was one of the best low brass players I know. He LOVED music. A self taught Pianist, he could pick up any instrument and play it - and play it well. Sean was diagnosed with Diabetes when he was a kid. But Sean just liked to live life. While I knew that Sean had been having complications from his diabetes after college - i didn't know how bad it had gotten - I don't think any of us did - including his family. Sean passed away on August 15th, by himself at home in CT. I heard the news on Monday morning and my heart sank. The wake was one of the hardest I've been to in a long time. Seeing Paige (his mom), his disabled Father, and his newly married brother for the first time in a few years was so hard. Seeing a withered away, formerly slightly chubbier man, old time friend, laying in a casket - was gut wrenching. Looking down at my friend whom I've known since 1st grade, who is only 3 months older than me put a lot of things in perspective for me. Hugging his mom and thinking of what she must be feeling brought me to tears. The funeral was a beautiful celebration of his life - a tearful one at that - but a true celebration. What i did love was that the Pastor didn't beat around the bush or sugar coat that this death was avoidable... Diabetes management takes work, and committed work, and when you don't your body shuts down - there's no way around it. And while it never placed blame, honored and celebrated Sean - it also faced the facts straight on. I struggled finding God in Sean's death. How can one find God in a death so avoidable, in a life so young? But I found God in the sorrow. I found God in my friends. I found God in a little rock given to me in March on a retreat that fell out of my wristlet and landed on my lap while sitting in my friend's car, sobbing together trying to gain composure before driving to the cemmetary. That little rock, that connection to the special person in my life who prayed on that rock for a week, flew with it and gave it me to on a retreat, brought such comfort and peace in a time when i so desparately needed it.

Less than 24 hours after burying my childhood friend, I receive a call from my PCP with test results. While there is no 100% definitive answer yet - prognosis is gloomy. More invasive tests await me next week. Scary prognosis' and big words are being thrown around - from Multiple Myeloma to Renal Kidney Failure, lymphoma to Glomerulonephritis... No doubt I am scared. And after just burying your 29 year old friend one can't help but instantly think the worst. After hearing this news I am off to spend the night with some friends. My whole drive to NH I prayed to God asking Him to just tell me it was going to be ok. I had no intentions of telling anyone outside of my family - but circumstances led me to going on a walk with a really close friend and informing him of what I had heard that morning. My calm, cool, collected friend was the rock he has always been for me and just held me, telling me it was gonna be ok - over and over he said "it's gonna be ok - you're gonna be ok - i'm here for you and with you." And while I know that my friend is there for me, and with me - I couldn't help but to have felt his words being Christ's - "I'm here for you and with you - you're gonna be ok." I don't know what my future hold, what my true prognosis will be... but this I do know - what ever comes my way - I'm gonna be ok, and God's right there with me.

His hand is very much in my life. The few people that I have let in recently, let in to places and emotions I don't usually share openly - have been like they are specifically hand picked from Christ, in the exact moments and the exact right times. God certainly knows what He is doing...

3 new Posts - and TOB

Below you will find 2 new posts. The 1st one I wrote while I was in NJ on a mission trip and I hesitated posting it during that week. I honestly forgot about it and remembered it again today. I re-read it and decided to post it. So there it is.... warning, it's a little raw... The 2nd one I wrote at the airport this past weekend and decided to post it today as well...

On other notes, currently I am in PA at The Theology of the Body Institute doing their Head and Heart Immersion I course. I have been wanting to do this for 3 years now and over some awesome course of events, was able to attend this session! I'll be honest and say that last weekend on Saturday night, I was second guessing myself on attending as I've had a crazy few weeks and was having a crazy good weekend that I did not want to cut short to fly out to PA - but now that I am here - i am sooo happy I came! I've been journaling and keeping really good notes at all the sessions so far and as soon as I make sense of them all I will most definitely be blogging about this experience. But boy is my head and heart being moved BIG time right now. I've been teaching TOB to teens for the past 4 years and have loved it. I was skeptical how much this week would do for me personally in the heart department. I came because I wanted to have a deeper understanding of the Theology to better equip myself to teach it. But I have found myself having HUGE "ah ha!" moments, deep conversions in prayer, and some strong churnings in my heart. Exactly what the goal of this course is to do is most certainly doing for me - to move from knowledge of TOB in the head - to knowledge in the heart. I have found myself literally moved to turns at some point during each session each day - even Mass, praying the Liturgy of the Hours, conversations around the meal table or during free time - I think today I was moved to tears at breakfast, our morning session, lunch, our afternoon session, mass, at dinner, during adoration, even during our movie night (The Truman Show) and discussion that followed. Even just a few moments ago, while having a great conversation with my room mate (Jen from Long Island - and she's got the accent to boot!) we both found ourselves with tears in our eyes. My thinking, my feelings, my longings, my relationship with Christ, my understanding of God, Creation, the world, our plan and destiny - all deepened, strengthened, changed... My mind races each day with making sense of everything that is changing and how the Holy Spirit is moving and working in me. I can't wait to share it all with you....

Failure (finally decided to post this)

Failure. A word that haunts me; a word I run from - yet in a weird way - i run to. The word that is on the forefront of my mind for the past few weeks. It all started as soon as I came home from Mississippi and got my mail that had accumulated over the 3 weeks I had been away. In it was my diploma from Cortiva Institute! I have FINALLY graduated from Massage School! While many people would see this as not such a large accomplishment it stands for a lot in my little mind. You see - since high school, I've never finished anything... I've failed at much. It seems as though much of my life has been taken up with failing at things, or giving up. Whenever things got really hard - I gave up. I've failed at many things as well. I left Salve Regina 1 week before final exams - received no credit for that semester. Went off to Middlesex Community, and after 3 semesters left. Then enrolled at UMASS - again 3 semesters and I left. FAILURE. I have failed miserably at managing my own personal money - which has gotten me into the extreme debt I am in now. I am reminded constantly at home how much I have failed as a daughter/sister/aunt/grand-daughter... I have failed at relationships. I have failed numerous times to live my life as Christ would like.

I am away at CHWC NJ right now. Yet, I am bombarded with feelings of failure. I am in the unique position of being at camp with my "new" parish and my "old" parish. We actually traveled on the same bus down here together. Each day I feel like I am being slapped in the face. Seeing and hearing about MY failures at St. John's. This great group of my all star teens and 2 amazing adults are so hurt. I failed them by leaving. I failed them by being selfish and walking out on them. I've failed them because they are so angry with the Church now. My leaving began a domino effect of disappointments in these kids lives. I sit back and listen to the hurt and heart break they all are sharing with me... the jealousy and disappointment in their eyes when they see me with the "new" parish. It stings.

Besides all this, I've been a failure with Gastric Bypass. A friend has gastric bypass about a year after me - a mom of one of my teens. I was her cheerleader. So excited for her! She's done GREAT! One wouldn't even recognize her. Sadly (for me - great for her) she doesn't even follow a strict post surgery life style... yet she's down to goal weight and looks absolutely incredible!! I, on the other hand - have failed miserably at it. I am almost 3 years post op - and while I have lost 80+ pounds... I am no where near goal weight. My weight goes up and down, up and down... I've stopped running, I am so busy that I don't cook anymore - and eat what I can when I can - which usually consists of lots of carbs (as opposed to protein which I am suppose to eat.) I've learned that some sugar doesn't bother me - so candy here and there it is. I sit and look at myself and think - I'm gonna get back on track... but I never do...

I sit and wonder why I can't seem to follow through on things and complete things - tough it out. I don't know what I'm afraid of. Wait that's a lie... I know what I am afraid of when it comes to the Gastric Bypass... I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of having to know who I really am - actually I know who I really am - but no one else does. I won't have anything to protect me anymore - no protective bubble. I'm afraid. I guess it's fear that is my crutch of failure. I wish I was afraid of failing.

I am not sure how to "keep myself from failing" because everyone fails in their life. I do know that completion feels GREAT! Sadly I was alone when I opened my cortiva diploma... but I will let you know I had a grin from ear to ear and did a little dance! It felt so good to be able to say - I did it! I put my mind to it, worked super hard, loved every second of it, and did it with a 4.0 to boot! I need to savor in those moments more... maybe i'd succeed more....

Ironic Blog Title

So i know it's been an awfully long time since my last blog entry - sorry 'bout that! I truly do hope to turn over a new leaf and blog again on a regular basis! I've been prepping for a few weeks now on the return - and been thinking and praying about what to have my first blog entry be... and i've come up short! I've had lots going on and lots to blog about - how i'm doing on this post surgery journey, my changing of jobs, how my last job ended, God knows there's been lots of happenings at my old parish, my 3+ mission trips this summer... so much to write about. But I had a little awakening while praying on my ride home tonight. I went up to IC Malden for Margo's awesome LEX! To be honest, I went looking for answers. I went looking for God to answer me during LEX. I hadn't looked at what this Sunday's reading was so I went in blindly - and basically telling God - YOU NEED TO GIVE ME ANSWERS TONIGHT! Ya know - last Sunday's Gospel told us to ASK.. maybe I took it a little far with the yelling and telling - but I've been asking and asking and asking... and get nothing... it's extremely frustrating - so tonight I told... but guess what? I got nothing during LEX! The words/phrases that stuck out to me were no surprise... "rest", "you have so many good things" and "matter to God." They were no surprise because I know it's what God has been telling me lately... "Rest Kate," "you have many good things," and "you matter to God." I am crazy busy right now. I feel like I have HUGE shoes to fill... and in my own self conscious ways - i need to fill them and be more - or I'm not a good YM. I am exhausted... emotionally, mentally and physically. I am on auto pilot right now. I'm so tired, i can't even enjoy what i'm doing... I don't even know what i'm doing... I know God is telling me to rest. I have doubts that I am doing well, doing a good job. I spent my whole week in Mississippi doubting, wondering, worrying... Even when praised by all I still think "I didn't do enough." "I should have done this, why did I do that, should have handled this differently..." "Am i good?" I plague myself with these thoughts and then dwell on them... I know God is telling me that I have and am doing many good things... that He is well pleased... I also question do I really matter? Does God (and people - friends, family, everyone) really care? Do I really matter to people? I know - crazy thoughts - thoughts I shouldn't think... I know in my head that the answer is Yes. I know God Loves me. I know I matter to Him, to my family, to my friends, to my teens... I guess in all these questions and doubts and issues in my life I've begun to realized I KNOW a lot... but I don't FEEL a lot. I don't FEEL loved, I don't FEEL like I'm good enough, I don't FEEL like I matter... I've been praying a lot lately to let me FEEL. My goal as a YM is that every teen leave me KNOWING and FEELING that they matter and are loved by God and by me. Why can't I do that for myself? The weirder thing in all of this is that God is the ONLY person I've allowed to love me. I've worked hard to let myself receive His love. It's been an uncomfortable journey that way... but He made me - so I need to receive His love. He's truly my BFF... we're tight... But the 1 thing I need/want most in my life - I am soooo very afraid of and can't seem to let myself let happen... and that's LOVE. It's my favorite thing to talk about, teach, show, give... but for the life of me - I can't receive it from people - my own family for that matter. I am so very uncomfortable. Maybe it's because in my life I've been so hurt by those who love me. People in my life think I'm an open book... think I tell people everything about me... but that is the FARTHEST from the truth... You know those commercials for drug/alcohol addition? The one with all the people screaming "HELP ME!" but no sound... no one hears... I relate so well to that. Yet i'm screaming "LOVE ME! HELP ME TO LET YOU LOVE ME!" It's not a secret that I can not WAIT to be married! Like yesterday, actually like 5 years ago! But lately i've been thinking... how the heck am I gonna get married, yet alone find someone when I can't receive their love? I begin to like a guy - and the instant I realize they like me back - i freak! And either want to push/rush things... or because i am so uncomfortable with attention - push away. usually it's the Kate needs to control - which makes me come across pushy or rushy... but it's because if I'm in control, I can like you, I can want to do all these things FOR you... but it's can't be turned on me. Yet in my dreams and thoughts, deep down I want to be fought for, I want the fairy tale love story, I want to be dotted on... I want to be the princess... but i am so uncomfortable... Ugh... i'm at a standstill. I have no clue how to fix this besides prayer. I find it ironic that almost 3 years ago now I began this blog and titled it "Finding my other half..." Who would have known that this title has double meaning... finding who the heck Kathleen Megan Deasy is... but now even more so - finding my other half - literally...