Are you ready?

How is one suppose to answer that question? By far the most asked question of me this week has been "Are you ready?" I'm not really sure how to answer that question. I could answer it as am I ready to take a leave from my job? Yes and No. I am ready to have a break and get to step back and take the birds eye view and watch the seeds that have been planted begin to grow. But no because I truly am going to miss everyone and everything. I am going to miss out on memories being made and inside jokes. The highlight of each week is seeing the teens at Masses on Sundays, stopping by my office or at an event. 6 - 8 weeks of none of that is a lot of time. I am really going to miss them. I am also very much not done doing everything that needs to get done around work before I leave. I swear, every one thing I cross off of my list, I find another 2 or 3 that need to be added. I was stressing out about all the College recommendations that need to be written - but I am saving those for my recovery time - I'll need lots of things to keep me busy with! The other way to take that question of am i ready is, "am I ready physically?" Well, I suppose yes. I have passed all the pre-surgery medical testing, been following my diet, losing weight, drinking loads of water, had my flu shot, getting sleep - so I would say yes my body is as ready as it ever will be for surgery. And if asking that question means "Am I ready emotionally?" hhmmm... that's a tough one to give a straight answer for. Some days yes, and others no - actually those answers can change hourly for me. I honestly haven't spent a whole lot of time with the emotional side of this all. I've got all the logistics covered, I know exactly what will happen when before, during and after surgery. I know all the medical lingo. But I have NO CLUE emotionally how to prepare for this. I am so happy to think about the future a lot.... cute new clothes, a new body, more energy, I can do things that I can't or struggle doing now that I love (like riding roller coasters or really most theme park rides, playing sports, flying on a plane comfortably, etc...) but I am sad to lose a lot of me... this body I have now... it's been through everything with me - good, bad, ups and downs, all of my memories - whether in my mind or in pictures - has this body. Really this body and a lot about me - has made me who I am. A lot of my "faith journey" has been because of the struggles in my life because of my weight. A new body - kinda scares me and excites me all at the same time. I guess it's kinda like grieving a lost friend. I've been able to hide as well as blame a lot of "me" behind this large body of mine. When it's gone - there's no place to hide, nothing to blame. I also know that just because I have a new, skinnier body - the hurt and emotional pain and struggles will still be there - they don't disappear with the body. So am I emotionally ready - heck no! But I don't think anyone who is about to lose a part of who defines them is ever emotionally ready. I know that this is a long journey I have just begun... not only a long journey of learning to eat a different way, and a journey of a new body - but also a journey of finding the "real true Kate" that's hidden underneath.