Unpacking the bottom of my closet

So I've figured that it's best to begin from the beginning (well beginning of figuring my lowest points out) to make these last 4 months or so of my crazy journey to make the most sense! So I take you back to just after my post from May. About 2-3 weeks after that post I made the deaded phone call to my PCP to be referred to a Therapist. Kira is her name. I was very skeptical in the beginning about going back to therapy. I hadn't been since high school and i really was struggling with that therapy is not spiritual and spiritual direction is not therapy and I really felt like i needed the two to become one. So I went in to my first session with some big walls up already! But Kira put me at ease right away and she was so nice that I said to myself that I really can't be a jerk to her! lol! So we chatted about why I was seeking therapy and what i felt like I needed to work on. The funny thing now is that yea I really want to work on body image and all these changes i'm going through, but through talking about my past - i can't even get to that yet because of all the unpacking of past luggage that's just been thrown to the bottom of my closet and covered up by years of stuff. It's been a little painful at times. I've admitted to occurances in my past that I've never spoken out loud. I've said the most honest things about how I really feel and how things truly effect me. I've learned that I have a lot of negative in my life and not much positive love and support from those closest to me. I've learned that I am a stuffer (I knew that already!) I'm learning that some of the things that have happened to me in my life and have caused me hurt and pain are not my fault. I've learned that my mother plays a huge role in my life and not neccesarily a positive role - that doesn't mean I don't love my mom and that my mom doesn't love me - but we have a unique relationship and one that comes with much baggage and my constant trying to please her doesn't help me. I've had many a "awakening" moments - or the "ah ha" moments where I've made the connection to why I've done something or the why to how I reacted. Sometimes they haven't been good reasons - but ones to help me understand myself a little better and to be able to better myself. I'm beginning to learn how to receive love. I'm beginning, very slowly, to learn how to love me. That's the hardest. It's hard to love yourself when you think of yourself as no good, dirty, and usable. But I'm beginning to change those thoughts as I continue to think through and process and confront the reality of being sexually abused as a child by a babysitter. I know this is new information about me to all of my friends who read this. It's one of those skeleton's in my closet that I've never felt comfortable sharing with anyone - including family. I was/am ashamed of what happened and for allowing it and for actually when I was little not seeing anything wrong with it. I thought it's what my awesome babysitter wanted to do and she was wicked fun and I loved having her babysit - I didn't even think it was strange. But that's a little kids mind for ya! Once I was older and realized how wrong it was - I was too ashamed and scared to say anything so I just packed it up nice and tightly and hid it deep down far away in my closet and made myself forget it was there. And for many years I did forget about it... if it did cross my mind - I pushed it right back down and out. It wasn't until my early 20's it came storming back - right around the sexual abuse scandal in Boston actually. The first time I went to PGC (virtus) training i remember being so uncomfortable during it and couldn't get my childhood memories out of my head. But I did what I do best and hid it again and stuffed it. It wasn't until really about a year ago that the thoughts and feelings began creeping up again. And really it's been since this past February that it's on my mind a lot. I think it's because I know deep down that I need to deal with it because it has effected my life greatly and has effected relationships and how I think of myself. So I'm working through the hurt and beginning to heal. The exciting part is that really this "non-religious" therapy is actually making my prayer life stronger and my realtionship with God even deeper. I have many awakenings in sessions that I get to bring to God and God and I together work on the healing. I know God has big hands around my heart... he's holding it and picking up the pieces - not as quickly as I'd like... and sometimes it's painful to be put back together... but I feel His hands in the process. I know He's changing my heart as well as He glues it back together. He's helping it to be more open to others and to others love. He's helping it to love others better too. And along with all that... I'm able to love Him more and more each day too as I am fully relying on Him.