God certainly has been throwing me curve balls lately. First, my Grandfather dies while I am away at CHWC in NJ. My beautiful baby girl niece is born smack in the middle of my Grandfathers arrangements. My long time childhood friend and son of my flute professor suddenly dies at 29 years old. I receive disheartening news about my medical health... all in a 2.5 week span of time. The few people that I have let into my emotions over these few weeks have commented "I don't know how you do it Kate," "Man, how are you still smiling?" and "God just doesn't let up with you does He? It's not fair." At first I would think - "you're right, it's not fair. How am I doing this? All I can do is smile, what else is there to do?" And I'd be lying if I said that I haven't screamed at God, been really down in the dumps, wallowed in my sorry, been angry with what's been thrown my way. And while I don't have answers and my past few weeks have been an emotional ride from Hell that I really want to get off of - I do know that God's hand have very much been shown to me.
I often find myself praying to God asking Him to show Himself to me; let me FEEL you Jesus. Rarely do I then FEEL Him. But I can hands down tell you that over these weeks God has let me FEEL Him through a small handful of experiences/people He strategically placed in my life.
Tuesday night, August 3rd, in the middle of CHWC Taco Tuesday program I felt my cell phone vibrate in my pocket. Under normal circumstances I would have let it go to voicemail - but since my sister-in-law was super preggo and had gone into false labor once already, I looked at my phone. I saw it was my dad. So I ran out of the gym (program area) to the front lawn. Expecting to hear my Dad tell me that Michelle was in labor and time for me to come home, my Dad asked me how I was. Aggitated, I told him I was fine but in the middle of program. He continued to say that Mark and Michelle are fine and so is the baby, but that Grampie had died early that evening. I went numb. He continued to talk and honestly thinking back on that I have no clue what he said. I just remember beginning to cry, asking if I need to come home, being told no and to stay at camp. My Dad asked if I was ok, I said yup, he said call if I needed to talk and that he loved me and then we hung up. As soon as I closed my phone I walked about ten steps to the grassy hill, sat down, pulled my knees to my chest and began to sob. The next thing I feel are arms around me and person right next to me. Jon Pressimone (CHWC staffer and super close friend of mine) was at my side, holding me while I wept. After sitting with me for a little, Jon asked if I wanted to pray. I shook my head yes, we locked arms, I laid my head on his shoulder, his head rested on mine and Jon prayed. Jon cared for me the way Jesus cares for us. Jon held me in my saddness, the way Jesus holds us. Jesus knows me so well, knows that I need physical reminders and feelings of Him in my life. This is not the first time He has sent me Jon in times of trial and heart ache... And I am grateful that Jesus hand picked Jon to be in my life at specific times and places to share in my joys and to comfort in my sorrows.
Mia Kathleen Deasy was born at 2:33 AM on Tuesday August 10th. This sweet little bundle of joy began her entry into the world on Sunday evening - just after a lovely family dinner with our grieving Grandmother. This sweet little girl became the silver lining to a dismal few days - the rainbow after the storm. While she kept my brother and sister-in-law from being able to attend the arrangements for Grampie, she gave my family - especially my Grandmother - something wonderful to look forward to and talk about. While it was emotionally challenging to go directly from the funeral to the hospital - it was a welcome transition. This little 7 pound 8 ounce bundle of joy brought peace, comfort, happiness, smiles and joy to our entire family - and close friends. Seeing the joy in my mom's eyes when she first held her Granddaughter on Tuesday evening was a gift in and of itself. God's hand is at work all over here - and finding Christ in Mia is a blessing and so so sooo easy! Pure Joy!
Sean MacDonald was a wonderful friend growing up. He was a jokester and picked on me often - but never in a demeaning or cruel way - always in a playful and loving way. I spent a lot of time at Sean's house growing up. Sean's mom was my flute teacher since I was in the 5th grade. Sean and I played in band together, chose to be in groups for school projects together, and laughed a lot! Sean followed in his mom's musical footsteps and was one of the best low brass players I know. He LOVED music. A self taught Pianist, he could pick up any instrument and play it - and play it well. Sean was diagnosed with Diabetes when he was a kid. But Sean just liked to live life. While I knew that Sean had been having complications from his diabetes after college - i didn't know how bad it had gotten - I don't think any of us did - including his family. Sean passed away on August 15th, by himself at home in CT. I heard the news on Monday morning and my heart sank. The wake was one of the hardest I've been to in a long time. Seeing Paige (his mom), his disabled Father, and his newly married brother for the first time in a few years was so hard. Seeing a withered away, formerly slightly chubbier man, old time friend, laying in a casket - was gut wrenching. Looking down at my friend whom I've known since 1st grade, who is only 3 months older than me put a lot of things in perspective for me. Hugging his mom and thinking of what she must be feeling brought me to tears. The funeral was a beautiful celebration of his life - a tearful one at that - but a true celebration. What i did love was that the Pastor didn't beat around the bush or sugar coat that this death was avoidable... Diabetes management takes work, and committed work, and when you don't your body shuts down - there's no way around it. And while it never placed blame, honored and celebrated Sean - it also faced the facts straight on. I struggled finding God in Sean's death. How can one find God in a death so avoidable, in a life so young? But I found God in the sorrow. I found God in my friends. I found God in a little rock given to me in March on a retreat that fell out of my wristlet and landed on my lap while sitting in my friend's car, sobbing together trying to gain composure before driving to the cemmetary. That little rock, that connection to the special person in my life who prayed on that rock for a week, flew with it and gave it me to on a retreat, brought such comfort and peace in a time when i so desparately needed it.
Less than 24 hours after burying my childhood friend, I receive a call from my PCP with test results. While there is no 100% definitive answer yet - prognosis is gloomy. More invasive tests await me next week. Scary prognosis' and big words are being thrown around - from Multiple Myeloma to Renal Kidney Failure, lymphoma to Glomerulonephritis... No doubt I am scared. And after just burying your 29 year old friend one can't help but instantly think the worst. After hearing this news I am off to spend the night with some friends. My whole drive to NH I prayed to God asking Him to just tell me it was going to be ok. I had no intentions of telling anyone outside of my family - but circumstances led me to going on a walk with a really close friend and informing him of what I had heard that morning. My calm, cool, collected friend was the rock he has always been for me and just held me, telling me it was gonna be ok - over and over he said "it's gonna be ok - you're gonna be ok - i'm here for you and with you." And while I know that my friend is there for me, and with me - I couldn't help but to have felt his words being Christ's - "I'm here for you and with you - you're gonna be ok." I don't know what my future hold, what my true prognosis will be... but this I do know - what ever comes my way - I'm gonna be ok, and God's right there with me.
His hand is very much in my life. The few people that I have let in recently, let in to places and emotions I don't usually share openly - have been like they are specifically hand picked from Christ, in the exact moments and the exact right times. God certainly knows what He is doing...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
3 new Posts - and TOB
Below you will find 2 new posts. The 1st one I wrote while I was in NJ on a mission trip and I hesitated posting it during that week. I honestly forgot about it and remembered it again today. I re-read it and decided to post it. So there it is.... warning, it's a little raw... The 2nd one I wrote at the airport this past weekend and decided to post it today as well...
On other notes, currently I am in PA at The Theology of the Body Institute doing their Head and Heart Immersion I course. I have been wanting to do this for 3 years now and over some awesome course of events, was able to attend this session! I'll be honest and say that last weekend on Saturday night, I was second guessing myself on attending as I've had a crazy few weeks and was having a crazy good weekend that I did not want to cut short to fly out to PA - but now that I am here - i am sooo happy I came! I've been journaling and keeping really good notes at all the sessions so far and as soon as I make sense of them all I will most definitely be blogging about this experience. But boy is my head and heart being moved BIG time right now. I've been teaching TOB to teens for the past 4 years and have loved it. I was skeptical how much this week would do for me personally in the heart department. I came because I wanted to have a deeper understanding of the Theology to better equip myself to teach it. But I have found myself having HUGE "ah ha!" moments, deep conversions in prayer, and some strong churnings in my heart. Exactly what the goal of this course is to do is most certainly doing for me - to move from knowledge of TOB in the head - to knowledge in the heart. I have found myself literally moved to turns at some point during each session each day - even Mass, praying the Liturgy of the Hours, conversations around the meal table or during free time - I think today I was moved to tears at breakfast, our morning session, lunch, our afternoon session, mass, at dinner, during adoration, even during our movie night (The Truman Show) and discussion that followed. Even just a few moments ago, while having a great conversation with my room mate (Jen from Long Island - and she's got the accent to boot!) we both found ourselves with tears in our eyes. My thinking, my feelings, my longings, my relationship with Christ, my understanding of God, Creation, the world, our plan and destiny - all deepened, strengthened, changed... My mind races each day with making sense of everything that is changing and how the Holy Spirit is moving and working in me. I can't wait to share it all with you....
On other notes, currently I am in PA at The Theology of the Body Institute doing their Head and Heart Immersion I course. I have been wanting to do this for 3 years now and over some awesome course of events, was able to attend this session! I'll be honest and say that last weekend on Saturday night, I was second guessing myself on attending as I've had a crazy few weeks and was having a crazy good weekend that I did not want to cut short to fly out to PA - but now that I am here - i am sooo happy I came! I've been journaling and keeping really good notes at all the sessions so far and as soon as I make sense of them all I will most definitely be blogging about this experience. But boy is my head and heart being moved BIG time right now. I've been teaching TOB to teens for the past 4 years and have loved it. I was skeptical how much this week would do for me personally in the heart department. I came because I wanted to have a deeper understanding of the Theology to better equip myself to teach it. But I have found myself having HUGE "ah ha!" moments, deep conversions in prayer, and some strong churnings in my heart. Exactly what the goal of this course is to do is most certainly doing for me - to move from knowledge of TOB in the head - to knowledge in the heart. I have found myself literally moved to turns at some point during each session each day - even Mass, praying the Liturgy of the Hours, conversations around the meal table or during free time - I think today I was moved to tears at breakfast, our morning session, lunch, our afternoon session, mass, at dinner, during adoration, even during our movie night (The Truman Show) and discussion that followed. Even just a few moments ago, while having a great conversation with my room mate (Jen from Long Island - and she's got the accent to boot!) we both found ourselves with tears in our eyes. My thinking, my feelings, my longings, my relationship with Christ, my understanding of God, Creation, the world, our plan and destiny - all deepened, strengthened, changed... My mind races each day with making sense of everything that is changing and how the Holy Spirit is moving and working in me. I can't wait to share it all with you....
Monday, August 2, 2010
Failure (finally decided to post this)
Failure. A word that haunts me; a word I run from - yet in a weird way - i run to. The word that is on the forefront of my mind for the past few weeks. It all started as soon as I came home from Mississippi and got my mail that had accumulated over the 3 weeks I had been away. In it was my diploma from Cortiva Institute! I have FINALLY graduated from Massage School! While many people would see this as not such a large accomplishment it stands for a lot in my little mind. You see - since high school, I've never finished anything... I've failed at much. It seems as though much of my life has been taken up with failing at things, or giving up. Whenever things got really hard - I gave up. I've failed at many things as well. I left Salve Regina 1 week before final exams - received no credit for that semester. Went off to Middlesex Community, and after 3 semesters left. Then enrolled at UMASS - again 3 semesters and I left. FAILURE. I have failed miserably at managing my own personal money - which has gotten me into the extreme debt I am in now. I am reminded constantly at home how much I have failed as a daughter/sister/aunt/grand-daughter... I have failed at relationships. I have failed numerous times to live my life as Christ would like.
I am away at CHWC NJ right now. Yet, I am bombarded with feelings of failure. I am in the unique position of being at camp with my "new" parish and my "old" parish. We actually traveled on the same bus down here together. Each day I feel like I am being slapped in the face. Seeing and hearing about MY failures at St. John's. This great group of my all star teens and 2 amazing adults are so hurt. I failed them by leaving. I failed them by being selfish and walking out on them. I've failed them because they are so angry with the Church now. My leaving began a domino effect of disappointments in these kids lives. I sit back and listen to the hurt and heart break they all are sharing with me... the jealousy and disappointment in their eyes when they see me with the "new" parish. It stings.
Besides all this, I've been a failure with Gastric Bypass. A friend has gastric bypass about a year after me - a mom of one of my teens. I was her cheerleader. So excited for her! She's done GREAT! One wouldn't even recognize her. Sadly (for me - great for her) she doesn't even follow a strict post surgery life style... yet she's down to goal weight and looks absolutely incredible!! I, on the other hand - have failed miserably at it. I am almost 3 years post op - and while I have lost 80+ pounds... I am no where near goal weight. My weight goes up and down, up and down... I've stopped running, I am so busy that I don't cook anymore - and eat what I can when I can - which usually consists of lots of carbs (as opposed to protein which I am suppose to eat.) I've learned that some sugar doesn't bother me - so candy here and there it is. I sit and look at myself and think - I'm gonna get back on track... but I never do...
I sit and wonder why I can't seem to follow through on things and complete things - tough it out. I don't know what I'm afraid of. Wait that's a lie... I know what I am afraid of when it comes to the Gastric Bypass... I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of having to know who I really am - actually I know who I really am - but no one else does. I won't have anything to protect me anymore - no protective bubble. I'm afraid. I guess it's fear that is my crutch of failure. I wish I was afraid of failing.
I am not sure how to "keep myself from failing" because everyone fails in their life. I do know that completion feels GREAT! Sadly I was alone when I opened my cortiva diploma... but I will let you know I had a grin from ear to ear and did a little dance! It felt so good to be able to say - I did it! I put my mind to it, worked super hard, loved every second of it, and did it with a 4.0 to boot! I need to savor in those moments more... maybe i'd succeed more....
I am away at CHWC NJ right now. Yet, I am bombarded with feelings of failure. I am in the unique position of being at camp with my "new" parish and my "old" parish. We actually traveled on the same bus down here together. Each day I feel like I am being slapped in the face. Seeing and hearing about MY failures at St. John's. This great group of my all star teens and 2 amazing adults are so hurt. I failed them by leaving. I failed them by being selfish and walking out on them. I've failed them because they are so angry with the Church now. My leaving began a domino effect of disappointments in these kids lives. I sit back and listen to the hurt and heart break they all are sharing with me... the jealousy and disappointment in their eyes when they see me with the "new" parish. It stings.
Besides all this, I've been a failure with Gastric Bypass. A friend has gastric bypass about a year after me - a mom of one of my teens. I was her cheerleader. So excited for her! She's done GREAT! One wouldn't even recognize her. Sadly (for me - great for her) she doesn't even follow a strict post surgery life style... yet she's down to goal weight and looks absolutely incredible!! I, on the other hand - have failed miserably at it. I am almost 3 years post op - and while I have lost 80+ pounds... I am no where near goal weight. My weight goes up and down, up and down... I've stopped running, I am so busy that I don't cook anymore - and eat what I can when I can - which usually consists of lots of carbs (as opposed to protein which I am suppose to eat.) I've learned that some sugar doesn't bother me - so candy here and there it is. I sit and look at myself and think - I'm gonna get back on track... but I never do...
I sit and wonder why I can't seem to follow through on things and complete things - tough it out. I don't know what I'm afraid of. Wait that's a lie... I know what I am afraid of when it comes to the Gastric Bypass... I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of having to know who I really am - actually I know who I really am - but no one else does. I won't have anything to protect me anymore - no protective bubble. I'm afraid. I guess it's fear that is my crutch of failure. I wish I was afraid of failing.
I am not sure how to "keep myself from failing" because everyone fails in their life. I do know that completion feels GREAT! Sadly I was alone when I opened my cortiva diploma... but I will let you know I had a grin from ear to ear and did a little dance! It felt so good to be able to say - I did it! I put my mind to it, worked super hard, loved every second of it, and did it with a 4.0 to boot! I need to savor in those moments more... maybe i'd succeed more....
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Ironic Blog Title
So i know it's been an awfully long time since my last blog entry - sorry 'bout that! I truly do hope to turn over a new leaf and blog again on a regular basis! I've been prepping for a few weeks now on the return - and been thinking and praying about what to have my first blog entry be... and i've come up short! I've had lots going on and lots to blog about - how i'm doing on this post surgery journey, my changing of jobs, how my last job ended, God knows there's been lots of happenings at my old parish, my 3+ mission trips this summer... so much to write about. But I had a little awakening while praying on my ride home tonight. I went up to IC Malden for Margo's awesome LEX! To be honest, I went looking for answers. I went looking for God to answer me during LEX. I hadn't looked at what this Sunday's reading was so I went in blindly - and basically telling God - YOU NEED TO GIVE ME ANSWERS TONIGHT! Ya know - last Sunday's Gospel told us to ASK.. maybe I took it a little far with the yelling and telling - but I've been asking and asking and asking... and get nothing... it's extremely frustrating - so tonight I told... but guess what? I got nothing during LEX! The words/phrases that stuck out to me were no surprise... "rest", "you have so many good things" and "matter to God." They were no surprise because I know it's what God has been telling me lately... "Rest Kate," "you have many good things," and "you matter to God." I am crazy busy right now. I feel like I have HUGE shoes to fill... and in my own self conscious ways - i need to fill them and be more - or I'm not a good YM. I am exhausted... emotionally, mentally and physically. I am on auto pilot right now. I'm so tired, i can't even enjoy what i'm doing... I don't even know what i'm doing... I know God is telling me to rest. I have doubts that I am doing well, doing a good job. I spent my whole week in Mississippi doubting, wondering, worrying... Even when praised by all I still think "I didn't do enough." "I should have done this, why did I do that, should have handled this differently..." "Am i good?" I plague myself with these thoughts and then dwell on them... I know God is telling me that I have and am doing many good things... that He is well pleased... I also question do I really matter? Does God (and people - friends, family, everyone) really care? Do I really matter to people? I know - crazy thoughts - thoughts I shouldn't think... I know in my head that the answer is Yes. I know God Loves me. I know I matter to Him, to my family, to my friends, to my teens... I guess in all these questions and doubts and issues in my life I've begun to realized I KNOW a lot... but I don't FEEL a lot. I don't FEEL loved, I don't FEEL like I'm good enough, I don't FEEL like I matter... I've been praying a lot lately to let me FEEL. My goal as a YM is that every teen leave me KNOWING and FEELING that they matter and are loved by God and by me. Why can't I do that for myself? The weirder thing in all of this is that God is the ONLY person I've allowed to love me. I've worked hard to let myself receive His love. It's been an uncomfortable journey that way... but He made me - so I need to receive His love. He's truly my BFF... we're tight... But the 1 thing I need/want most in my life - I am soooo very afraid of and can't seem to let myself let happen... and that's LOVE. It's my favorite thing to talk about, teach, show, give... but for the life of me - I can't receive it from people - my own family for that matter. I am so very uncomfortable. Maybe it's because in my life I've been so hurt by those who love me. People in my life think I'm an open book... think I tell people everything about me... but that is the FARTHEST from the truth... You know those commercials for drug/alcohol addition? The one with all the people screaming "HELP ME!" but no sound... no one hears... I relate so well to that. Yet i'm screaming "LOVE ME! HELP ME TO LET YOU LOVE ME!" It's not a secret that I can not WAIT to be married! Like yesterday, actually like 5 years ago! But lately i've been thinking... how the heck am I gonna get married, yet alone find someone when I can't receive their love? I begin to like a guy - and the instant I realize they like me back - i freak! And either want to push/rush things... or because i am so uncomfortable with attention - push away. usually it's the Kate needs to control - which makes me come across pushy or rushy... but it's because if I'm in control, I can like you, I can want to do all these things FOR you... but it's can't be turned on me. Yet in my dreams and thoughts, deep down I want to be fought for, I want the fairy tale love story, I want to be dotted on... I want to be the princess... but i am so uncomfortable... Ugh... i'm at a standstill. I have no clue how to fix this besides prayer. I find it ironic that almost 3 years ago now I began this blog and titled it "Finding my other half..." Who would have known that this title has double meaning... finding who the heck Kathleen Megan Deasy is... but now even more so - finding my other half - literally...
Saturday, November 14, 2009
New Post and FOLLOW US!!
There's a new one right below this one... but I forgot to pass along...
I am headed to NCYC (National Catholic Youth Conference) next week with 5 of my most incredible teens!! We had a parishioner FULLY FUND all 6 of us to go!!! That's over $5000!! Pray for him!! He's pretty incredible! The only 2 stipulations he put on us were: go to daily Mass and pray for him and our parish and to blog daily about our adventure! So follow us! The teens and I will blog every night from Wednesday November 18th - Sunday November 22nd, and one more about 1-2 weeks after they are home. Most of their introductions are up right now!! Check em out, pray for them and encourage them along the way with you comments!!
www.stjohnyouthministry.blogspot.com
I am headed to NCYC (National Catholic Youth Conference) next week with 5 of my most incredible teens!! We had a parishioner FULLY FUND all 6 of us to go!!! That's over $5000!! Pray for him!! He's pretty incredible! The only 2 stipulations he put on us were: go to daily Mass and pray for him and our parish and to blog daily about our adventure! So follow us! The teens and I will blog every night from Wednesday November 18th - Sunday November 22nd, and one more about 1-2 weeks after they are home. Most of their introductions are up right now!! Check em out, pray for them and encourage them along the way with you comments!!
www.stjohnyouthministry.blogspot.com
All things connected...
So I am so far off the beaten path - in more ways than one! Thanks to my friend Sue who encouraged me to blog again (aparently she loves the way I write... hmmm.. I've never considered myself a good writer... so thanks!)
My whole little world has been turned upside down and spun round and round since my last post. Here's the skinny. I have given my notice at work, accepted an amazing new Youth ministry position, severely herniated 3 discs in my lower lumbar/sacrum, started falling back into my old habits both with food and emotions, drowned myself with work, oh man the list could go on and on. As much as I am quick to see all the negative and "bad things" with my crazy last few months... I have been even quicker to see how God is working in and around all these situations - and how blessed I have been to have had this Gastric Bypass - because without it - I never would have begun to "unpack" this VERY LARGE suitcase I carry around with me.
Since my dear friend Jim left my home parish of St. Elizabeth's in Acton almost 1.5 years ago now, it has always been in the back of my mind. I didn't throw my name into the bunch when he first left because lets be honest here - who really wants to follow in Jim Flanagan's footsteps? But after they hired a new YM and things seemed to be struggling there - I was really regretting not applying and seeing what God would have wanted from me. But I've learned God always wins. So when I heard talk that the YM's time was nearing an end I sat down with the Pastor to just chat about YM and to let him know basically - I'm open and willing to chat about potetial job openings at St. E's if and when that ever happens. Turns out the YM had just given his notice that week! WOW - God is so cool! So, I handed in my resume and really left everything up to God. I wasn't super super happy at my current parish, but I also by no means was completely miserable - get me out of here! I honestly believe that I could make it work and be happy where ever God calls me. So I prayed and gave it to Him. 2.5 weeks later - I had gone of 3 interviews and was offered the job. Now I did kinda freak out. Man church world when it comes to jobs typically is much slower than real life! I didn't feel like I was ready or had prayed enough about it - and lets be real - I couldn't fathom leaving my kids at my current parish. I was a senior when my YM (our Parochial Vicar) left - and it SUCKED. Like ruined my senior year - I never never never wanted to make any of my teens feel even half of what I felt - and I knew with me leaving that was the inevitable. So I prayed and prayed for God to give me a sign to tell me NOT to take this job. And what did He do? Gave me all these signs TO take the job. And in the amazing words of Margo "Get up, have courage, Jesus is calling you!" And with those words, I made up my mind and put full trust in God that He'd carry me and He knew what He was doing. 10 days ago I told my teens. It was a wild ride of a night, emotional, difficult, humbling and most importantly - Christ Centered and prayerful. The kids are struggling with it, but we are leaning on eachother and becoming a stronger front because of it. Not to mention they have 5 more months with me! So I leave St. John's fulltime on December 31st and begin in Acton fulltime January 1, 2010. I will remain on part time (10 hours) at St. John's through April 30th. Call me crazy, yes... but I truly feel in my gut that this is what God is wanting from me. I do believe He very much is testing me cause these past 10 days have been really really hard. But I know He'll carry me through. Needless to say - I've been a little stressed...
So if you remember back a few posts, I hurt my back in South Carolina this summer. I don't recall actually doing anything outside of riding on a bus for 22+ hours that could have injured it. But after 11 weeks of 3x's a week of Chiropratic, 1-2 medical myofascial massages a week and specialized back strengthening exercises - and I continued to get worse not better - it was time for an MRI to see what my spine looked like. My MRI was last friday afternoon, and monday morning at 8:15 AM my cell rang and it was the Doctor - uh oh... not a good sign. Long story short - turns out I have 3 Severley Herniated discs in my lower back - my L4, L5 and S1. (so cool that I actually know where they are and what they mean - Massage school has taught me a lot!!) I also have no "soft chewy centers" to those discs either - and a small stress fracture in L4 and L5. I am messed up! So I go for massages on Monday mornings. And on the monday before I had to tell my kids that I was leaving - I was on the table and Tom (my massage therapist) was working on me and was talking to me and said "Your muscles feel like they are doing all they can to hold on and not fall apart." At that momement I emotionally fell apart on the table. (which you will see is a recurring theme these past couple weeks!) Man I knew our bodies are incredible species and the science is amazing - but really my muscles were communicating to Tom what my entire emotional being was feeling. I was so stressed out about leaving and telling the kids and the annoucement to the parish, I literally felt like every second of each day I was doing all that I can to hold it together and be strong. When I saw Tom for another Massage on Thursday (the day after I told the kids) he commented on how everything felt different. I also felt emotionally different - like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Don't get me wrong - I haven't had a day yet that I haven't cried about leaving. But I am confident in my decision. And now it's onto fixing the physical injuries to my back... off to the neurosurgeon I go in 2 weeks. I however REFUSE to have back surgery at 28 years old!
With all this stress and craziness, I have fallen off the wagon. I have learned that I can tolerate moderate amounts of sugar (bad thing to have found out - cause peanut butter m&m's are my vice), and I have been going CARB crazy!! I am barely getting in 50 grams of protein a day (some days it's like barely 30!) not drinking enough water, been really lazy about the whole no drinking with food or within 30 mins of eating. Drinking more wine that I probably should be (empty calories). Needless to say - I've gained a few pounds. And because of the back - I haven't been able to run due to the pain... so i'm not burning calories like I was used to. I also have gone back to my stuffing of my emotions and blocking out those who I care the most about. The difference now, I am very aware of my habits and what I am doing... am I aware enough that I change them in the moment? No, but I never used to be aware of them. So my new goal is to be aware, be present in the moment and to change the behavior so I can create new habits - healthy habits.
So Monday (cause my day tomorrow is so crazy) begins a new for me. I am almost 13 months post-op... and i'm not about to let myself and this new tool I was given and this blessing in my life fail. I am all about completing things I've started now. I've learned through therapy and unpacking my baggage - that I am afraid of completion, afraid of ends, afraid of goodbyes, afraid of myself. I've never finished a lot of things I've started. Like I never finished college (I actually left my 1st semster on college 2 weeks before finals). I don't like goodbyes - I walked out of my dying grandmother's hospital room without saying goodbye - I love you- or hugging her for the last time - I just couldn't do it. I'm afraid of making my own decisions - i never decide even the littlest of things - cause my decisions affect others. So I've begun a new era of Kate. I'm embrassing these goodbye's at St. John's, I'm finishing Massage School no matter how stressed out or difficult my final semester will be with working 2 jobs and fulltime school, I am going to end St. John's on a positive note and not run away, I'm going to trust my instincts, go with my gut and make decisions that are good for me and are grounded in prayer - no matter how they may affect others (since I am quick to shy away from unpopular decisions.) This is going to be a year of Kate - finding the real Kate that's been burried under pounds and pounds of baggage for the last 28.5 years. My goal - to love thyself like God loves me.
My whole little world has been turned upside down and spun round and round since my last post. Here's the skinny. I have given my notice at work, accepted an amazing new Youth ministry position, severely herniated 3 discs in my lower lumbar/sacrum, started falling back into my old habits both with food and emotions, drowned myself with work, oh man the list could go on and on. As much as I am quick to see all the negative and "bad things" with my crazy last few months... I have been even quicker to see how God is working in and around all these situations - and how blessed I have been to have had this Gastric Bypass - because without it - I never would have begun to "unpack" this VERY LARGE suitcase I carry around with me.
Since my dear friend Jim left my home parish of St. Elizabeth's in Acton almost 1.5 years ago now, it has always been in the back of my mind. I didn't throw my name into the bunch when he first left because lets be honest here - who really wants to follow in Jim Flanagan's footsteps? But after they hired a new YM and things seemed to be struggling there - I was really regretting not applying and seeing what God would have wanted from me. But I've learned God always wins. So when I heard talk that the YM's time was nearing an end I sat down with the Pastor to just chat about YM and to let him know basically - I'm open and willing to chat about potetial job openings at St. E's if and when that ever happens. Turns out the YM had just given his notice that week! WOW - God is so cool! So, I handed in my resume and really left everything up to God. I wasn't super super happy at my current parish, but I also by no means was completely miserable - get me out of here! I honestly believe that I could make it work and be happy where ever God calls me. So I prayed and gave it to Him. 2.5 weeks later - I had gone of 3 interviews and was offered the job. Now I did kinda freak out. Man church world when it comes to jobs typically is much slower than real life! I didn't feel like I was ready or had prayed enough about it - and lets be real - I couldn't fathom leaving my kids at my current parish. I was a senior when my YM (our Parochial Vicar) left - and it SUCKED. Like ruined my senior year - I never never never wanted to make any of my teens feel even half of what I felt - and I knew with me leaving that was the inevitable. So I prayed and prayed for God to give me a sign to tell me NOT to take this job. And what did He do? Gave me all these signs TO take the job. And in the amazing words of Margo "Get up, have courage, Jesus is calling you!" And with those words, I made up my mind and put full trust in God that He'd carry me and He knew what He was doing. 10 days ago I told my teens. It was a wild ride of a night, emotional, difficult, humbling and most importantly - Christ Centered and prayerful. The kids are struggling with it, but we are leaning on eachother and becoming a stronger front because of it. Not to mention they have 5 more months with me! So I leave St. John's fulltime on December 31st and begin in Acton fulltime January 1, 2010. I will remain on part time (10 hours) at St. John's through April 30th. Call me crazy, yes... but I truly feel in my gut that this is what God is wanting from me. I do believe He very much is testing me cause these past 10 days have been really really hard. But I know He'll carry me through. Needless to say - I've been a little stressed...
So if you remember back a few posts, I hurt my back in South Carolina this summer. I don't recall actually doing anything outside of riding on a bus for 22+ hours that could have injured it. But after 11 weeks of 3x's a week of Chiropratic, 1-2 medical myofascial massages a week and specialized back strengthening exercises - and I continued to get worse not better - it was time for an MRI to see what my spine looked like. My MRI was last friday afternoon, and monday morning at 8:15 AM my cell rang and it was the Doctor - uh oh... not a good sign. Long story short - turns out I have 3 Severley Herniated discs in my lower back - my L4, L5 and S1. (so cool that I actually know where they are and what they mean - Massage school has taught me a lot!!) I also have no "soft chewy centers" to those discs either - and a small stress fracture in L4 and L5. I am messed up! So I go for massages on Monday mornings. And on the monday before I had to tell my kids that I was leaving - I was on the table and Tom (my massage therapist) was working on me and was talking to me and said "Your muscles feel like they are doing all they can to hold on and not fall apart." At that momement I emotionally fell apart on the table. (which you will see is a recurring theme these past couple weeks!) Man I knew our bodies are incredible species and the science is amazing - but really my muscles were communicating to Tom what my entire emotional being was feeling. I was so stressed out about leaving and telling the kids and the annoucement to the parish, I literally felt like every second of each day I was doing all that I can to hold it together and be strong. When I saw Tom for another Massage on Thursday (the day after I told the kids) he commented on how everything felt different. I also felt emotionally different - like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Don't get me wrong - I haven't had a day yet that I haven't cried about leaving. But I am confident in my decision. And now it's onto fixing the physical injuries to my back... off to the neurosurgeon I go in 2 weeks. I however REFUSE to have back surgery at 28 years old!
With all this stress and craziness, I have fallen off the wagon. I have learned that I can tolerate moderate amounts of sugar (bad thing to have found out - cause peanut butter m&m's are my vice), and I have been going CARB crazy!! I am barely getting in 50 grams of protein a day (some days it's like barely 30!) not drinking enough water, been really lazy about the whole no drinking with food or within 30 mins of eating. Drinking more wine that I probably should be (empty calories). Needless to say - I've gained a few pounds. And because of the back - I haven't been able to run due to the pain... so i'm not burning calories like I was used to. I also have gone back to my stuffing of my emotions and blocking out those who I care the most about. The difference now, I am very aware of my habits and what I am doing... am I aware enough that I change them in the moment? No, but I never used to be aware of them. So my new goal is to be aware, be present in the moment and to change the behavior so I can create new habits - healthy habits.
So Monday (cause my day tomorrow is so crazy) begins a new for me. I am almost 13 months post-op... and i'm not about to let myself and this new tool I was given and this blessing in my life fail. I am all about completing things I've started now. I've learned through therapy and unpacking my baggage - that I am afraid of completion, afraid of ends, afraid of goodbyes, afraid of myself. I've never finished a lot of things I've started. Like I never finished college (I actually left my 1st semster on college 2 weeks before finals). I don't like goodbyes - I walked out of my dying grandmother's hospital room without saying goodbye - I love you- or hugging her for the last time - I just couldn't do it. I'm afraid of making my own decisions - i never decide even the littlest of things - cause my decisions affect others. So I've begun a new era of Kate. I'm embrassing these goodbye's at St. John's, I'm finishing Massage School no matter how stressed out or difficult my final semester will be with working 2 jobs and fulltime school, I am going to end St. John's on a positive note and not run away, I'm going to trust my instincts, go with my gut and make decisions that are good for me and are grounded in prayer - no matter how they may affect others (since I am quick to shy away from unpopular decisions.) This is going to be a year of Kate - finding the real Kate that's been burried under pounds and pounds of baggage for the last 28.5 years. My goal - to love thyself like God loves me.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
So let love be repreated...
"There's no hope without love. There's no love without His grace. So many hungry souls without smiles on their faces. Distant hearts in familiar places. Now there's One who's come to take the emptiness we share, so let us live in this Kingdom.
So let love be repeated, so unchanging, freely given, always needed - love repeated. And let Christ be received in our hearts, in our homes, in our streets, and in our lives - loved repeated.
Yo, when I think about true love it's always repeated. Even the strongest man in the whole world he needs it. From Pope Benedict to the soldiers in Iraq, from the athlete to the shack to the child on his momma's back. It's like wind to the sailboat, gas to the car, energy to the runner who dares to go far. Each one, reach one there's so much to do and if I stop I drop and God's love will continue.
Now there's one who's come to take the emptiness we share so let us live in His Kingdom.
So let love be repeated, so unchanging, freely given, always needed - love repeated. And let Christ be received in our hearts, in our homes, in our streets, in our lives - Love Repeated."
~"Love Repeated" Jon Niven and Fr. Norm Fisher - CHWC Theme Song 2009
Love repeated - Theme of CHWC 2009 and boy did that hit home for me. For this whole year so far love has been hard. No that's a lie - for a really really long time (as long as I can remember) love has been a difficult thing. Which is kinda crazy and I am confused by as I love love! I love giving love! I love TO love. I WANT to be loved. I CAN'T seem to accept and receive love comfortably. In my family - we are not the touchy feely type. We don't hug, we rarely show any forms of affection for each other. We are not a family that says "I love you" when we hang up the phone or when we leave. In my 28 years of life - I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've heard "I love you" said to me from my parents. I've never heard it from my brother. When my grandfather on my dad's side got sick I told him I loved him out loud for the first time. We occasionally say it now. I know my family loves me. My parents write it on my bday cards and Christmas cards. My dad will end a text to me now with "luv u." But I secretly long to hear I LOVE YOU, all three words strung together at once, from a parent (especially my mom) and my brother. The more I look into myself and my life - I think this is the catalyst to my bad decision makings in my early twenties when it came to boys. I so badly wanted to feel loved and have affection (did I mention we're not a huggie/touchy feely family?) that I turned a blind eye to the reality of my relationships. I was 20 dating a man who was 30. His wife just left him for her ex who just got released from jail (WHAT WAS I THINKING?!!!) I was young, I was smitten, I soooo badly wanted to be married already! So we started hanging out, which turned into much more very quickly. Boy was I dumb looking back on that - I was like a prize - I was taken advantage of. We were "together" for 3 years. He cheated on me with his best friends wife - OUCH. To this day he won't admitt that he was actually cheating on me when I broke up with him. You'll be happy to know - he's still with her today. Yay for them (can you hear the sarcasm in my tone?) Anyways, this led me into not wanting to care anymore when it came to boys. I didn't trust either. I am still struggling with trust. I put up HUGE walls with boys now too. I give very little of my heart away. It's hard for me to be vulnerable and to open up. I think this is one reason why I love YM and teens. I can be vulnerable with them - open up - share my life stories and how God works in my life - and not worry about being hurt by them in the end. But if I'm vulnerable with a guy I like - he will in the end break my heart right? (that's how I think now.) So I am trying not to fall into this trap. I fall into this trap with God a lot. I tell Him what I think He WANTS to hear. I pray like I think He WANTS me to pray. So at CHWC Boston this year - I decided I needed to change all that thinking. If I really truly wanted to learn to love me and let others love me for me... I first had to let God love me and know me. Each night at program CHWC had a section called Real Life. Questions flashed across the screen for the intro. Questions like: Who's the REAL you? What masks are you hiding behind? If you took them off would your friends like you? Would you like you? Who knows the REAL you? These questions struck a huge chord in me. I found myself Monday night with tears running down my cheeks as I sat in program and watched this intro. That night I prayed to God to help me be me - the real Kathleen Megan Deasy. Be careful what you pray for - cause BAM... He sure broke me down that week for me to see the real me... Broken. Each day I had an internal battle of all the thoughts going through my head and wanting to work on that - but also wanting to stuff everything and focus only on the work at hand. On Thursday night I had a complete major breakdown - or what I like to call - a come apart. I had been holding back tears all day. Little ones here and there would come out. But I had to be the in control person on Thursday cause my Director was struggling herself. So Thursday night comes amd it's been a long and stressful day with it's ups and downs - a legit emotional roller coaster ride. I was sitting in the office chatting with Cory and my cell rings and it's Brenna. Out of nowhere I hear her voice and i begin to sob. And sob is an understatement friends. I ended up on the floor of my room in fetal position hyperventilating with snot just running out of my nose - uncontrollably crying. I couldn't talk, I could barely breath... just sobbing. For a good 90 minutes or so. Jon P came to check on me... I remember him standing in my doorway. I was a jerk and didn't even really acknowledge him (sorry Jon). He sent me a sweet text tho - saying he was headed to bed, that he loves me, praying for me and if I needed him to come get him - if not he'd chat with me in the AM. (thanks Jon! that meant a lot!) Anyways - Brenna just sat on the other end of the phone and told me to just let it out and it was ok. I don't even know if I really even told her anything that was going on... just cried and cried. I don't think I could have done that with anyone other than Brenna. That was my bottom. I woke up on Friday AM surprisingly feeling a little lighter and less weight of the world on my shoulders. I had cried myself to sleep and while praying after I got off the phone with Bren - I remember yelling at God and being really really angry with Him. It was the beginning of being real with Him. I remember praying that I was so angry that He had me go through this major surgery and He left me. He left me to feel worse off now than before the surgery. He left me and I felt so alone. I had lost my best friend of excess weight to hide behind and now He had gone away too. But Friday AM at closing Mass - God spoke to me through the theme song (which I had heard every night that week.) The words to that song felt like Jesus singing directly to me. Telling me that He loves me - but if I'm not willing to accept that, believe that and see that - then there's no hope. That I'm surrounded by His love - but I need to be open to it to see it. He's with me - He's never left me. I've just been blind to it. He's here to take my emptiness away. I need to receive the love that is being repeated TO ME - freely given TO ME. I had to open my heart and let Him in. So I did. I prayed at Mass that my heart was His. And honestly - it hasn't been super easy since then - but much easier than I had thought. God's definitely making me do a lot of work. He's challenging me to deepen my prayer life. He's put me in many situations that I have had to completely rely on Him. But I'm trusting - and if I can fully trust Jesus then I can't go wrong right? So step one is to receive Christ's love fully. Now we're beginning the receiving other's love fully too... I think that one's gonna be much harder...
So let love be repeated, so unchanging, freely given, always needed - love repeated. And let Christ be received in our hearts, in our homes, in our streets, and in our lives - loved repeated.
Yo, when I think about true love it's always repeated. Even the strongest man in the whole world he needs it. From Pope Benedict to the soldiers in Iraq, from the athlete to the shack to the child on his momma's back. It's like wind to the sailboat, gas to the car, energy to the runner who dares to go far. Each one, reach one there's so much to do and if I stop I drop and God's love will continue.
Now there's one who's come to take the emptiness we share so let us live in His Kingdom.
So let love be repeated, so unchanging, freely given, always needed - love repeated. And let Christ be received in our hearts, in our homes, in our streets, in our lives - Love Repeated."
~"Love Repeated" Jon Niven and Fr. Norm Fisher - CHWC Theme Song 2009
Love repeated - Theme of CHWC 2009 and boy did that hit home for me. For this whole year so far love has been hard. No that's a lie - for a really really long time (as long as I can remember) love has been a difficult thing. Which is kinda crazy and I am confused by as I love love! I love giving love! I love TO love. I WANT to be loved. I CAN'T seem to accept and receive love comfortably. In my family - we are not the touchy feely type. We don't hug, we rarely show any forms of affection for each other. We are not a family that says "I love you" when we hang up the phone or when we leave. In my 28 years of life - I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've heard "I love you" said to me from my parents. I've never heard it from my brother. When my grandfather on my dad's side got sick I told him I loved him out loud for the first time. We occasionally say it now. I know my family loves me. My parents write it on my bday cards and Christmas cards. My dad will end a text to me now with "luv u." But I secretly long to hear I LOVE YOU, all three words strung together at once, from a parent (especially my mom) and my brother. The more I look into myself and my life - I think this is the catalyst to my bad decision makings in my early twenties when it came to boys. I so badly wanted to feel loved and have affection (did I mention we're not a huggie/touchy feely family?) that I turned a blind eye to the reality of my relationships. I was 20 dating a man who was 30. His wife just left him for her ex who just got released from jail (WHAT WAS I THINKING?!!!) I was young, I was smitten, I soooo badly wanted to be married already! So we started hanging out, which turned into much more very quickly. Boy was I dumb looking back on that - I was like a prize - I was taken advantage of. We were "together" for 3 years. He cheated on me with his best friends wife - OUCH. To this day he won't admitt that he was actually cheating on me when I broke up with him. You'll be happy to know - he's still with her today. Yay for them (can you hear the sarcasm in my tone?) Anyways, this led me into not wanting to care anymore when it came to boys. I didn't trust either. I am still struggling with trust. I put up HUGE walls with boys now too. I give very little of my heart away. It's hard for me to be vulnerable and to open up. I think this is one reason why I love YM and teens. I can be vulnerable with them - open up - share my life stories and how God works in my life - and not worry about being hurt by them in the end. But if I'm vulnerable with a guy I like - he will in the end break my heart right? (that's how I think now.) So I am trying not to fall into this trap. I fall into this trap with God a lot. I tell Him what I think He WANTS to hear. I pray like I think He WANTS me to pray. So at CHWC Boston this year - I decided I needed to change all that thinking. If I really truly wanted to learn to love me and let others love me for me... I first had to let God love me and know me. Each night at program CHWC had a section called Real Life. Questions flashed across the screen for the intro. Questions like: Who's the REAL you? What masks are you hiding behind? If you took them off would your friends like you? Would you like you? Who knows the REAL you? These questions struck a huge chord in me. I found myself Monday night with tears running down my cheeks as I sat in program and watched this intro. That night I prayed to God to help me be me - the real Kathleen Megan Deasy. Be careful what you pray for - cause BAM... He sure broke me down that week for me to see the real me... Broken. Each day I had an internal battle of all the thoughts going through my head and wanting to work on that - but also wanting to stuff everything and focus only on the work at hand. On Thursday night I had a complete major breakdown - or what I like to call - a come apart. I had been holding back tears all day. Little ones here and there would come out. But I had to be the in control person on Thursday cause my Director was struggling herself. So Thursday night comes amd it's been a long and stressful day with it's ups and downs - a legit emotional roller coaster ride. I was sitting in the office chatting with Cory and my cell rings and it's Brenna. Out of nowhere I hear her voice and i begin to sob. And sob is an understatement friends. I ended up on the floor of my room in fetal position hyperventilating with snot just running out of my nose - uncontrollably crying. I couldn't talk, I could barely breath... just sobbing. For a good 90 minutes or so. Jon P came to check on me... I remember him standing in my doorway. I was a jerk and didn't even really acknowledge him (sorry Jon). He sent me a sweet text tho - saying he was headed to bed, that he loves me, praying for me and if I needed him to come get him - if not he'd chat with me in the AM. (thanks Jon! that meant a lot!) Anyways - Brenna just sat on the other end of the phone and told me to just let it out and it was ok. I don't even know if I really even told her anything that was going on... just cried and cried. I don't think I could have done that with anyone other than Brenna. That was my bottom. I woke up on Friday AM surprisingly feeling a little lighter and less weight of the world on my shoulders. I had cried myself to sleep and while praying after I got off the phone with Bren - I remember yelling at God and being really really angry with Him. It was the beginning of being real with Him. I remember praying that I was so angry that He had me go through this major surgery and He left me. He left me to feel worse off now than before the surgery. He left me and I felt so alone. I had lost my best friend of excess weight to hide behind and now He had gone away too. But Friday AM at closing Mass - God spoke to me through the theme song (which I had heard every night that week.) The words to that song felt like Jesus singing directly to me. Telling me that He loves me - but if I'm not willing to accept that, believe that and see that - then there's no hope. That I'm surrounded by His love - but I need to be open to it to see it. He's with me - He's never left me. I've just been blind to it. He's here to take my emptiness away. I need to receive the love that is being repeated TO ME - freely given TO ME. I had to open my heart and let Him in. So I did. I prayed at Mass that my heart was His. And honestly - it hasn't been super easy since then - but much easier than I had thought. God's definitely making me do a lot of work. He's challenging me to deepen my prayer life. He's put me in many situations that I have had to completely rely on Him. But I'm trusting - and if I can fully trust Jesus then I can't go wrong right? So step one is to receive Christ's love fully. Now we're beginning the receiving other's love fully too... I think that one's gonna be much harder...
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